There’s some silly Christian song that is basically those words sung over and over. I make a little bit of fun of it but I’m becoming more and more grateful for that fact. I’ve been redeemed.
It’s not a word we use that much anymore, except to redeem a coupon, so I looked it up. Of course, the first definition that jumped out at me was the theological one:
9.Theology. to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner.
I like that. I’m grateful for it. But it also seems like too much “Christian-talk.” It doesn’t carry a lot of meaning for me. So I looked at the others. Especially:
1.to buy or pay off; clear by payment: to redeem a mortgage.
2.to buy back, as after a tax sale or a mortgage foreclosure.
8.to obtain the release or restoration of, as from captivity, by paying a ransom.
I think I’ve been redeemed.
I don’t feel suicidal any more – ever. It hasn’t even been a year that I’ve felt this way so I’m trying not to get my hopes up. But I somehow can’t make myself worry about it like I usually do. It doesn’t feel like just a respite – it feels like I’ve been healed. (That’s terrifying to say – it feels like I’m tempting fate. I have to remind myself that I don’t believe in fate – I believe in Jesus.)
Could I possibly be healed? I’m still on medication, so I’m sure I haven’t been healed by medical standards. But before, the medications have always lessened my depression; I’ve still known it was there, just lurking. It’s always felt very much like a temporary respite. Like I had to be really careful and not step out of line because if I did then God would let me be depressed again.
It hasn’t been an easy year – in fact, it’s been really hard. I’m trying to wrestle with feelings of jealousy and envy and bitterness and resentment and some very hurtful friends. But I feel protected and covered like I haven’t ever felt before. I’m not afraid of falling. I’ve never not been afraid of falling. I’m nervous about what the future holds but it feels like I’ll survive it. I’ve never felt like I could survive the future.