Doggie Update

October 24, 2009

They couldn’t get all the cancer out. They got most of the tumor, but it had sort of tentacles or roots that were too deep. The vet recommends radiation (way too expensive) or chemo (less expensive but sort of tortuous, I think). I don’t know anything else about how long he has or anything until they grade the tumor.

I appreciate the prayers. He is a wonderful dog.

Sick Pup

October 23, 2009

My wonderful doggie has cancer. I’ve had him since he was two months old, and he is now almost ten years old. He’s been around for break-ups and hospitalizations, and depression, and grief, and moving, and changing careers, and happiness, and worry. He was diagnosed with a mast cell tumor two weeks ago and the surgeon is going to try to remove it all so we don’t have to do anything further. I’m not sure if I would have him do chemo or radiation – partly because I can’t afford it and partly because I’m not willing to make him suffer unnecessarily.

I’m scared and very sad. But one difference I notice is that I don’t feel like I’m going to die of sadness. I don’t want to go through it but I don’t feel like it will crush me this time.

Please pray for the dog. I’m glad that God doesn’t laugh at that request but that he is compassionate and loves animals as well as knowing that we love our animals

Feeling Better

October 7, 2009

It’s been a rough couple of weeks and, combined with the autumn weather*, had me scared that the depression was coming back. Very scared.

But today I’m feeling better. And it used to be that “better” meant sort of numb and just not horrible. Now, better feels good. It’s strange. It’s not normal. It scares me too because it’s so new and strange.

But I’m grateful.

*I know tons of people who get depressed in the winter and early spring when it is cold, gray, rainy, etc. I don’t know anyone else who gets depressed when it’s sunny outside with the smell of fall. Everyone I know loves that. And I do too – I love the smell… but it also feels like a bad omen.

How Do I Not Help?

October 3, 2009

I hate watching people suffer. I especially hate watching people suffer because of their own choices. And of course, the worst is watching people I love suffer because of making bad choices.

My ex-boyfriend is one of those. I know which of his choices really hurt him, and he is continuing to make them. Things that he’s told me before are changes he absolutely has to make because his spiritual health depends on it (and he was desperate to make a change) he now blows off. Other choices that fuel a hidden addiction of his that has the potential to ruin his life (and I don’t say that lightly) are being made in a cavalier fashion that breaks my heart because he knows that it’s the worst thing he can possibly do for himself.

There’s nothing I can do. He’s my ex-boyfriend. We still have mutual friends so I still see him and I see the choices he’s making. He’s the kind of person who would be perfect for me… except that he has an addiction he’s not dealing with, makes extremely harmful choices in relationships, is so stubborn that he’s self-destructive, and runs away from his problems.

I guess that means he’s not perfect for me. But I want him to be. I want him to get over his problems and get better so he can be perfect for me. It’s killing me to not be able to fix him. I know I can’t – I’m totally aware. But I can’t come to terms with it. I don’t know how to know that he’s sick and making things worse for himself and on a road spiraling down and how not to do anything about it. How to let it go. How to “just” pray for him and trust that God will do the work.