I have a lot to write about. I’m a fight with God and he is winning. I can be pretty stubborn, even when I know it’s not good for me, so I am not ready to concede yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to win. More on that later.
I was talking to a friend about this tonight – and kind of explaining the whole struggle. She is dealing with some similar things so it was good to talk to her. She said that she has started to make a gratitude list before she goes to bed each night. She suggested that I do it. My reaction wasn’t “Oh that sounds like a good idea,” or “Maybe that would help me see the good things in my life,” or even “Sounds like too much work, I don’t want to.”
My reaction was a super strong “NO!” No, I will not do it. I do not want to do it. I would rather have oral surgery than make a list of things that I have been blessed with and am grateful for!
What kind of reaction is that? The strength of it surprised me. For some reason, I don’t want to be grateful. I don’t want to see the good things. I really truly only want to focus on what I don’t have – how I can be envious, how God answers other people’s prayers and not mine, and why my life is horrible. I have a lot of really good things in my life – wonderful friends, all sorts of blessings. Why do I so strongly want to ignore those?