I’ll Never Be…

May 16, 2010

I’ll never be a young mother.

I’ll never be part of a young married couple.

I may never be a mother or a wife at all. I may never be a homeowner.

I’ll probably never get to celebrate a golden wedding anniversary.

I’m 34. Almost 35. It doesn’t feel very old until I think about these things. By the time my parents were 34, they had three children and had owned two houses. Of course, they also had a lot of other junk that I don’t want, but I feel behind. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. Why do I feel like I’m less than other people because of these things? Why is it freaking me out to realize that I”ll never be a young mother. I didn’t want to be a mother – I’m glad I’m not a mother. I might be good at it some time but I wouldn’t have been in my twenties. I grew up with a depressed mother – thank God that I didn’t have children when I was actively depressed. But I feel like I did something wrong and I’m going to regret it forever.

(By the way, people told me I’d regret it forever if I didn’t go to my prom. Didn’t go. Didn’t want to. Went to the movies that night. Haven’t regretted it once.)

The really messed up part is that when I see friends from high school on facebook who have been through more than one marriage already, I don’t think “Thank God I’ve missed the pain and heartbreak of divorce.” I think “I’m such a loser – they’ve been married TWICE and I haven’t even managed once yet.”

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My Niece

May 14, 2010

This is my brand-new niece. She is beautiful. I am hoping and praying that she has it better than my sister or I did. and that my sister can be a better mother than ours. and that the niece can know the God who loves her so much. It’s a lot to hope and pray for but I am.


Mother’s Day Again

May 9, 2010

Not feeling a whole lot different than last year.