I’ll Never Be…

I’ll never be a young mother.

I’ll never be part of a young married couple.

I may never be a mother or a wife at all. I may never be a homeowner.

I’ll probably never get to celebrate a golden wedding anniversary.

I’m 34. Almost 35. It doesn’t feel very old until I think about these things. By the time my parents were 34, they had three children and had owned two houses. Of course, they also had a lot of other junk that I don’t want, but I feel behind. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. Why do I feel like I’m less than other people because of these things? Why is it freaking me out to realize that I”ll never be a young mother. I didn’t want to be a mother – I’m glad I’m not a mother. I might be good at it some time but I wouldn’t have been in my twenties. I grew up with a depressed mother – thank God that I didn’t have children when I was actively depressed. But I feel like I did something wrong and I’m going to regret it forever.

(By the way, people told me I’d regret it forever if I didn’t go to my prom. Didn’t go. Didn’t want to. Went to the movies that night. Haven’t regretted it once.)

The really messed up part is that when I see friends from high school on facebook who have been through more than one marriage already, I don’t think “Thank God I’ve missed the pain and heartbreak of divorce.” I think “I’m such a loser – they’ve been married TWICE and I haven’t even managed once yet.”

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2 Responses to I’ll Never Be…

  1. Mad God Woman says:

    Found you through the StuffChristiansLike comments, and glad I did. You have a lovely, elegiac voice and you speak so honestly and well about how the world looks through the eyes of one who wrestles with depression. May the One who blesses you, and makes you a blessing, open your soul to the truth of the wonder that is you.

    (Love the Shekinah tattoo, BTW!)

    Grace & Peace – MGW

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