I Want to Erase Myself

I don’t think I’ve written about this yet, but I’ve been meaning to for quite a while.  I’ve been putting it off because it sums up how I was feeling at the height (depth?) of my depression. A few years back, I heard something from a woman who had struggled with an incredible amount of abuse, alcoholism, depression, and probably more I don’t know about.  She said a lot about where she was in her journey right then and what a hard time she was having.  I don’t remember any words except for:

“I want to erase myself.”

I remember those words because she put most of my life into words.  For the vast majority of my life, I didn’t want to have things get better necessarily, or to have more friends, or to have been born into a different family, or even to kill myself.  I simply wanted to have never existed.  To be able to erase myself completely, with no trace.  I’ve always been realistic enough to know that people would miss me if I died, but erasing myself — erasing any effect I had ever had, anything I had ever done, and anyone I had ever been — seemed like the only solution.  When I was thinking and saying that I wished I was dead, I think I really meant that I wished I had never even been thought of.

I haven’t felt that way in over a year and a half and I can’t completely remember the feeling, but I can remember enough to panic.  I can remember just enough to be really profoundly sad.  And to wonder why anyone at all should have to want to erase themselves — while believing in a God who loves me.  It was too much.  It’s gone and it’s still too much sometimes.

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3 Responses to I Want to Erase Myself

  1. Dark_Thought says:

    My thoughts exactly. So depressed.. I just wish I never were. Life would have been smoother, funner, happier without my existence. Knowing this is going to be impossible, right now I’m starting to feel agitated, tingling shooting through my body. So frustrated. I need to do something. I need to change. I need a reason. I need hope. Someone help me.

    • broken saint says:

      Keep reading. It got better for me and I never ever ever thought it would.

      • Dark_Thought says:

        I know it can get better. It wouldnt kill to have a friend who understands the hurt, just to sit down with me and counsel me. At this moment, I’m powerless. I’d share all the journals I keep where my thoughts and emotions flow. But I’m too ashamed to reveal the ugly side of me. That’s my biggest fear in telling my friends about this.

        Thanks for some words you chimed in. These days, words from others are hard to come by. I think because I’ve been a blackhole sucking all the life out of everyone I know. I don’t mean to. It’s just that I’m too caught up trying to make myself feel normal, feel sane, feel a bit of happiness each day which will get erased by the next morning. And the cycle repeats. I’m not going to lie. I’ve been smoking weed to help ease the thoughts that eats at me.

        Ok for real now, I’ll leave it as it is otherwise I wouldnt get anything done today.

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