September 28, 2010
I don’t know why God uses the analogy of a father so often in the Bible. It seems like maybe he needs someone to tell him that it’s bad PR. Fathers have done significant damage to so many people, whether by their absence or their presence. I know there are parts of the Bible that talk about God as a mother figure but that is probably even worse for me. I need a new way to relate to God.
One year ago: The Shoes Dropped
September 25, 2010
I got two more announcements in the mail today: a college roommate is getting married and a college friend just had a baby. I want to be happy for them. I really do. But I’m not. At all. I can’t help but think this makes me a selfish person, or even a “bad” person. I’m just so sick of other people having things to celebrate – big public things that everyone’s happy about. Things that invite parties and gift registries and people traveling and loud congratulations. I have good things too but nothing like that.
I feel selfish. I don’t even know if I want children but it hurts every time someone says that they’re pregnant because they have something else to celebrate. This isn’t who I want to be but it just feels so unfair.
It feels so silly, but I want someone to throw me a party. I want to be able to register for gifts – not because I want the gifts, but because I want to be celebrated.
September 17, 2010
I’m always tired. Chronically tired. I sleep too much and I’m still tired. It’s nothing physical – at least, I’ve been tested for everything.
Two revelations today:
1. I’m going to keep praying for relief. God healed me from my depression (through medication, but I count it as being healed because I am no longer SUFFERING and I’ve tried plenty of medications which didn’t work) after many, many years. I don’t know why he waited so long. But he did and I have to believe he can heal me from this too. I’d prefer for it to happen right now and I don’t know why we have to wait on these things.
2. I have a lot of resentments. Many, many resentments. I can’t stand injustice and I mean everything from someone treats me slightly badly to slavery and sex trafficking. It gets in my head and I can’t get it out. I obsess, I get angry, I want to yell and convince anyone around me. Maybe it’s not the best way to deal with it. Maybe it’s exhausting me. To tell you the truth, I don’t know another way to deal with it. Maybe it’s time to figure one out.
September 5, 2010
…and I worry that the depression is coming back. I’m not sure I know how to be sad without thinking it will take over and ruin my life, eating me up. I think sometimes, sad is just sad, not a death sentence, but I’m not entirely convinced of that.
Tonight I’m feeling sad – just a little sad – and lonely. ‘m afraid it is a bad omen and that I’m going to spiral down. I’m hoping sad is just sad tonight, and no more than that.