I’m Not Worth Less

I’ve watched a couple of TV shows lately where there’s someone being threatened and they say “But I have a family!” as a reason to not get shot.  (They’re not horribly violent shows, just happened to both have this type of scene.)

I don’t think it’s that uncommon of a sentiment.  Not just when someone’s pointing a gun at you but also at work.  Someone might beg off a responsibility because they have a family.  I’ve heard that and I’ve also heard people saying they shouldn’t be laid off because “I have a family.”

So, as a single 35-year old woman, how am I supposed to take this?  It seems that I’m worth less because I don’t have a family.  The worst part is that I already thought that about myself.  I am fighting this uphill battle to believe I am worthwhile even if someone hasn’t chosen me to marry and even if I don’t have children, and everything around me is reinforcing that I’m not. Even stupid TV shows are reinforcing that for me.  American Christian culture is telling me the same thing.  Sometimes it feels like too much to fight and I just want to give up and admit I’m not good enough, I’m a failure, and I’m unlovable.  Because if those things weren’t true, someone would have chosen me by now.

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15 Responses to I’m Not Worth Less

  1. You can’t judge your worth based on popular culture. Pop culture tells us we have to be young, beautiful, rich, and if we’re a 30ish or older woman, we should be gracefully balancing a successful career with a passionate marriage and 2.5 kids. It just doesn’t work that way. Take off the pop culture glasses and take a hard look at the real people around you. More than likely even if they do “have a family,” life is not a bowl of cherries. They simply have a different set of problems. Also, any woman who actually is trying to fit the above description is probably secretly in bad shape emotionally because no one can take that much pressure.

  2. Hi Broken Saint. My heart goes out to you girlfriend. Please know that you are worthwhile. Know that God has a purpose and plan for your life. That he knew you before you were conceived. He loves you, and you are loveable. I really respect and admire you for sharing your heart and your struggles.

    You asked in your comment above ‘so why is it so hard for me to get that through my head??’

    I’d like to offer you a possibility. Just so you know, I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist. I am a doctor of biochemistry, natural health practitioner and christian- so my perspective comes from a different angle. (I’ve researched and written a book on the topic of depression).

    I think there are some people in life that have physical or biochemical imbalances that lead to their depression. That may mean you are struggling not because of bad thought patterns, or spiritual oppression, but because of a nutrient deficiency, or the presence of a toxin etc.- This means your brain can’t work properly because it hasn’t got the right ingredients to work.

    I write a blog on the topic, and I just wanted to let you know that there are other options to investigate when it comes to depression. Even if you’ve struggled from a young age, or have a genetic tendency, in many situations there are things you can do.

    Hang in there and keep persevering. I pray that God will lead you along the right path so that you can find healing and freedom. He loves you and wants the best for you.

    Sincerely
    Janelle
    Dr Janelle Sinclair (PhD)

    • broken saint says:

      Thanks – I’ll check out the information. The weird thing is that I’m on medication now which has basicallly taken away the depression symptoms, but I really just can’t stop believing the lies that I do believe about my worth, or lack thereof.

  3. Jamie says:

    I think we all have something lacking that makes us feel worthless. For me, I feel worthless because I haven’t made any big contribution to the world or changed the world for the better in any way. If I could somehow do something to benefit society, I would feel as though I had worth.

  4. Hope says:

    Ugh, I think Christian culture is the worst at making single people feel “not good enough”!

    And maybe…I feel kinda like the pot calling the kettle black, because I worry about many of the same things…but maybe instead of “no one has chosen you”, maybe it’s that YOU haven’t chosen anyone, because you deserve someone who will treat you with love and respect, and you refuse to settle for just any guy, just so you can be married?

  5. Hope says:

    I want to clarify my last comment–I mean that as a GOOD thing! It means that you do recognize that you’re valuable, and have worth, because you refuse to settle. That’s a great thing!!!

  6. Grace says:

    Broken Saint,

    I think that God knows His business. You are “fearfully and wonderfully made,” married or single.

    It seems to me that there are pros, and cons to either state.

    And, rather than to enjoy where we’re at right now, we all have a tendency to think the “grass looks greener on the other side.” 🙂

  7. Krissy says:

    I found a link to your blog from a comment in a post on mental illness and demonic influences in 2009 that was referenced in a post recently made on iMonk on Halloween. It’s strange how we get to people and places who can understand…God working, perhaps?

    I totally see where you are coming from as I have the same problem (except I’m only 31). All of my friends are paired up, married, have kids, or some combination of the three. Then there is me. I only recently came off of way too many meds and I think I have found one that does work but I still get hit with the sadness and the sorrow of loneliness. I hear friends talk about their families, read books that have wonderful families in them and when it gets to be this time of night I just want to cry. In all too short of a time my parents will be gone and except for a sister who I never see and doesn’t speak to me I know I will be alone and I struggle with that. Sometimes it seems it would be so much easier to just find anyone to be with, but I can’t do it. I don’t even look anymore.

    I’m getting off track – I see so many things that push families, spouses, and parents and it truly frustrates me at times. Sometimes I’ll start reading about a group that looks interesting or helpful only to find out it’s for mothers. Vacation packages are in 2’s or 4’s. Prizes awarded are in 2’s or 4’s (at least trips). Romance is promoted as being the most important thing. I truly hate that awkward moment when someone asks you to tell them about your SO and you say you don’t have one. Sometimes it’s pity, sometimes it’s disappointment, and sometimes I know I’m found wanting in the eyes of the person who asked. The older I get, the more I see of the last. Of course, it could just be me projecting my own feelings of worthlessness into their reactions. I can’t always tell. I could go on, but I won’t. It’s really nice to know that there is someone out there who feels the same. 🙂

    • broken saint says:

      I’ve had a lot of people ask me lately why I’m not married and it makes me want to hit them. I think it’s probably both – their reactions and our feelings of worthlessness. It would be nice if we could get over the worthlessness part – maybe we wouldn’t care about their reactions then?

      • Krissy says:

        Well, I don’t get the people asking me why I’m not married. And I’m probably lucky in that I don’t have my mother pushing me to find someone so she can have grandchildren. I hate it when then assume you have one and say something that indicates that along the lines of “and your husband is…”
        I’m not sure I would ever not care about their reactions even if I didn’t get caught up in feelings of worthlessness. I, unfortunately, care (probably too much) what people think of me and want them to have a good impression of me. Not enough to not do something I know is right although it will upset someone, but enough to lie in bed thinking of ways to make it easier or justify the action or explain it or how I can make it easier for them. It would be a lot easier if I just didn’t care. Of course, I do the scripting about things that don’t even come to pass. Unfortunately, the people I’m talking with never seem to follow the script I’ve written. 🙂

      • Krissy says:

        I just thought of something – if I didn’t feel worthless I probably wouldn’t worry as much about people not liking me or not wanting me around. But since I get the impression that people don’t really want me around and certainly don’t want to talk to me, it just reinforces the feelings of worthlessness. It’s a vicious cycle and one I hope you don’t have a problem with.

  8. […] recently wrote about not being worth less.  There are a lot of situations — ranging from trying to talk someone out of shooting in a […]

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