Not mine. I had a bad experience today and I’m not even sure why.
I went to a bridal shower today – for a good friend. I hate bridal showers but I wanted to make an effort for her. I’m not going to do that any more. Until I learn to not feel inferior, I’m going to just take people out to lunch and skip their bridal shower.
First of all, I couldn’t afford a present. I told the bride that and she said no problem, she wouldn’t expect anything and she would NEVER open presents in front of people anyway, way too tacky. Guess what the whole shower was. Not her fault – I really do think she doesn’t like opening presents in front of people but others kind of (nicely) demanded it. I spent the whole time imagining that people were keeping track and thinking how horrible I was for not bringing a present. I have no idea if this was happening, but each person was pointed out when their present was opened, so it could have been.
The bigger problem was that I just felt so damn inferior. Most of the women were married and they were sharing cute stories about their wedding and their showers and the things they were glad to get and I felt so… unwanted. I talked to another unmarried friend after and she said she felt the same way but neither of us knows what to do about it. It wasn’t anyone else pointing out that we were inferior, it was our own brains. And (my messed-up brain tells me) besides, she has a boyfriend so I’m the only unwanted one.
Most people were wearing cute strappy sandals and skirts. I was dressed up a little but was wearing pants and shoes and socks (I know the person throwing the shower and her house is COLD). I was feeling so inferior to everyone that I was despairing over how big and clunky my feet looked compared to all these women in cute sandals. Who cares??? But I did.
I really should have just left and made my excuses but I was late getting there (avoidance?) and felt like that would be too rude. I cried all the way home.
I’m so angry – at the American Christian culture for helping women feel like they aren’t anything worthwhile if they’re not married and have a family, at the other women for having what I want and looking good while they have it, but most of all, at MYSELF for letting myself feel so worthless. I just don’t know how to stop it.