I got in a little fender bender – and I mean that literally. The other person’s fender was bent quite a little. I was backing up at probably 2 1/2 miles an hour and did the responsible thing and took care of it. I’ve been feeling absolutely horrible about myself ever since. I realized that the level of shame I have around this would be more appropriate for a DUI with injuries, not a tiny dent in a parked car
I was thinking about why this is when I made another mistake today. This wasn’t big at all – I went to an appointment without confirming it so I ended up driving about 20 minutes one-way for something I couldn’t do, wasting time that I needed to be doing work. Then when I was driving home, the drawbridge was up so it took about 45 minutes to get home.
The whole time, I could hear one message in my head: YOU ARE SO STUPID. over and over. StupidStupidStupidStupid. I’m not totally sure whose voice it is – some of it is from my parents but that was a long time ago. And they’ve apologized and done their best to make amends. But still it’s continuing: So stupid, so stupid, so stupid. It is easier to give in than fight it and I find myself almost singing along “I am so stupid, I am so stupid.” It’s terrifying how much control this voice can have over me and how it ended up being like a chorus on the way home. StupidStupidStupidStupid.
This isn’t what I want taking up space in my brain.