April 22, 2011

I got in a little fender bender – and I mean that literally.  The other person’s fender was bent quite a little.  I was backing up at probably 2 1/2 miles an hour and did the responsible thing and took care of it.  I’ve been feeling absolutely horrible about myself ever since.  I realized that the level of shame I have around this would be more appropriate for a DUI with injuries, not a tiny dent in a parked car

I was thinking about why this is when I made another mistake today.  This wasn’t big at all – I went to an appointment without confirming it so I ended up driving about 20 minutes one-way for something I couldn’t do, wasting time that I needed to be doing work.  Then when I was driving home, the drawbridge was up so it took about 45 minutes to get home.

The whole time, I could hear one message in my head: YOU ARE SO STUPID.  over and over.  StupidStupidStupidStupid.  I’m not totally sure whose voice it is – some of it is from my parents but that was a long time ago.  And they’ve apologized and done their best to make amends.  But still it’s continuing: So stupid, so stupid, so stupid.  It is easier to give in than fight it and I find myself almost singing along “I am so stupid, I am so stupid.”  It’s terrifying how much control this voice can have over me and how it ended up being like a chorus on the way home.  StupidStupidStupidStupid.

This isn’t what I want taking up space in my brain.

At the End of the Day…

April 10, 2011

…I am mostly content.  Most of the time, I lie down and I am happy – at least mildly so.  That sounds fairly minor and uneventful.  I can’t overstate what a miracle it actually is.