May 7, 2011

When I was 16 and I could drive, I had a fairly active social life.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but I had a lot of friends and liked to spend time with them.  Sometimes, however, I just stayed at home to read or watch a movie.  I noticed that when this happened on a Friday or Saturday night – whether I was home because I didn’t have any other options or because I wanted to relax – I felt like a failure.  Like I wasn’t measuring up.  I was supposed to be out with friends on weekends – that’s what teenagers did.  This feeling continued through college.  If I didn’t have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, or even if I did but chose not to, I wasn’t good enough.  Something was wrong with me.  No one else ever told me this – it was all internal.

I’m almost 36.  It’s discouraging that after two decades and a LOT of therapy – not to mention considerable healing – this still enters my mind.  I went out dancing last night.  I could have had dinner with a friend tonight.  I chose to stay home and finish some work and take the puppy for a walk.  It was my choice and it was relaxing. But I still have this little nagging feeling in my head that I’m a failure.  Not only do I not have a boyfriend to go out with on the weekends, I’m not even doing anything fun.

Where did this voice come from?  I don’t want it taking up space in my head any more.