Weekends

When I was 16 and I could drive, I had a fairly active social life.  Nothing out of the ordinary, but I had a lot of friends and liked to spend time with them.  Sometimes, however, I just stayed at home to read or watch a movie.  I noticed that when this happened on a Friday or Saturday night – whether I was home because I didn’t have any other options or because I wanted to relax – I felt like a failure.  Like I wasn’t measuring up.  I was supposed to be out with friends on weekends – that’s what teenagers did.  This feeling continued through college.  If I didn’t have something to do on a Friday or Saturday night, or even if I did but chose not to, I wasn’t good enough.  Something was wrong with me.  No one else ever told me this – it was all internal.

I’m almost 36.  It’s discouraging that after two decades and a LOT of therapy – not to mention considerable healing – this still enters my mind.  I went out dancing last night.  I could have had dinner with a friend tonight.  I chose to stay home and finish some work and take the puppy for a walk.  It was my choice and it was relaxing. But I still have this little nagging feeling in my head that I’m a failure.  Not only do I not have a boyfriend to go out with on the weekends, I’m not even doing anything fun.

Where did this voice come from?  I don’t want it taking up space in my head any more.

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3 Responses to Weekends

  1. monstar says:

    Hmmm.
    I know sometimes just identifying WHY we think certain things isn’t very useful, as we have to unlearn bad patterns and learn new positive ones. But as you say, you don’t know where that voice is coming from.
    I have been working on embracing things like silence and aloneness without feeling, for lack of a better word, depressed and allowing them to foster creativity and productivity (things that please me and feed my soul, if you will). Do you feel your alone time is satisfying and energizing to you?

  2. Cathy Stewart says:

    Hmmm, I know exactly how you feel. I seem to always have to have something going on or something to look forward to. I hate this feeling.

  3. […] written about how much of a failure I feel when I’m home alone on weekends.  It’s really a bit ridiculous and I’ve been trying to think it through and sort it […]

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