As I’ve been feeling better, I’ve been appreciating certain things more often. I went to a lake on a hot day and floated in the water by myself. I got a new pillow and am totally enjoying the softness and comfort of it. For some reason, it’s reminding me of some “strategies” that people used to give me when I was really depressed. I was often told to take a hot bath because that would make me feel better. There were other suggestions too but that’s the one that sticks in my head for some reason.
I think these people meant well but they obviously had no idea what bad condition I was in. I was desperately trying to keep myself going, while I wanted to die, I wanted be erased, I wanted to never have existed. I was considering electroshock therapy. A bath just wasn’t going to do it.
I know it’s hard to understand if you haven’t been there. It’s even hard for me to understand now when I’m not in that place – it’s hard to remember. But it’s a bit like asking someone to fight AIDS with an aspirin.