September 30, 2011
… something happens.
Today it was my housemate telling me she needs to move out. There are some legitimate concerns I have – I have to figure out if I can afford to stay here and how to get another roommate, which I hate doing. But it was more than that. The first thing I thought of was that if I were married, I wouldn’t have to deal with roommates any more. Then the next thought – very automatic – was that if I weren’t such a loser, I’d be married. That there’s something horribly, deeply wrong with me because I’m still alone and that nothing good will ever happen and I’ll always be alone.
To be clear, I’m not alone. I have many, many friends. But I’m single and I feel like that makes me alone forever. And I know that I’m not a loser because I’m single but I really, really feel like it. It was such a deep feeling that it ambushed me and I felt right back to where I used to be. A big pit of despair and worthlessness. I don’t want to be in that pit any more; it just feels so bad and so hopeless, and so… forever.
September 5, 2011
I’ve learned something recently about how I view God. There have been many, many extremely obvious ways in which God has provided for me lately – and I don’t see these as reassurances that he will continue to provide – I see it instead as a temporary respite so that I can prepare for next time when I won’t be as lucky.
For example, I was talking to a friend about pit bulls – my dog is a pit mix – and she was telling me how tough it was for another friend to find housing with a pit bull. I am fortunate enough to have a great place to live with a landlord who didn’t even charge me a pet deposit. Instead of thinking how God has taken care of me, I started worrying about what I’m going to do for my next housing situation. Keep in mind that I have no plans to leave this one any time soon, so there’s really no need to worry. In addition, if God gave me this great living situation, there’s no reason to believe that he’s not going to take care of me in the future.
I do the same thing with work, with finances, with all sorts of things. I’m not expressing it very eloquently, but there’s a pattern. I have a wonderful opportunity, or a wonderful answer to prayer and my immediate response is But, what will I do when this runs out?” What will I do when God’s grace runs out? What will I do when God stops caring for me? Yes, I know God keeps taking care of me, but it’s going to run out soon.
Here’s the thing: if I believe God cares about us and answers prayers, why am I assuming that this will run out? Why am I limiting God? And why am I so stubborn that God can’t possibly give me enough evidence to show me that he loves me?
I don’t want to be that stubborn