I Think It’s Better, and Then…

… something happens.

Today it was my housemate telling me she needs to move out.  There are some legitimate concerns I have – I have to figure out if I can afford to stay here and how to get another roommate, which I hate doing.  But it was more than that.  The first thing I thought of was that if I were married, I wouldn’t have to deal with roommates any more.  Then the next thought – very automatic – was that if I weren’t such a loser, I’d be married.  That there’s something horribly, deeply wrong with me because I’m still alone and that nothing good will ever happen and I’ll always be alone.

To be clear, I’m not alone.  I have many, many friends.   But I’m single and I feel like that makes me alone forever.  And I know that I’m not a loser because I’m single but I really, really feel like it.  It was such a deep feeling that it ambushed me and I felt right back to where I used to be.  A big pit of despair and worthlessness.  I don’t want to be in that pit any more; it just feels so bad and so hopeless, and so… forever.

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4 Responses to I Think It’s Better, and Then…

  1. Its a hard journey isn’t it?
    My biggest comfort is sometimes that I don’t have the guilt that I know I would put myself through if I had a husband and family that had had to live with the reality of my depression. I get glad then that I’ve not had them to put through it.
    It won’t help your feelings, but go back to 1 Corinthians 7. Paul actually says that he wishes that all could be single that they would not have the distractions of this world to keep them from serving Christ in other ways. The message he offers throughout his address to different peoples in this chapter all essentially round up to this – if you can, just stay as you were in status when you were called and make it your first priority to serve God wholeheartedly from wherever you are with whatever you can. Our focus as Christians is not to be on this world any longer, but on the next.
    In lots of ways, I don’t like that – because it goes against what I want. But in lots of ways I do, because it also gives me purpose and a direction for my prayers. I pray for contentment. For contentment with whatever situation God gives me and for willingness to focus my efforts on the next life. From there I can usually start to deal with what’s in front of me.

    • broken saint says:

      praying for contentment is a lot like praying for patience I hate to do it because I want what I want! But you’re right. It just seems like things would be easier if I had someone else, you know?

  2. sophie says:

    Don’t be too disappointed about being single.

    I am attached and when my depression is most prominent, in the midst of that turmoil I feel like running away from the relationship. I begin to dissect my relationship with my partner and question everything; ie: whether I deserve the person, why I am with the person; if the person is part of the reason why I am depressed. So basically, I pretty much self sabotage what I have. I blame others in the midst of my self pity due to feeling hopeless and not knowing what my purpose in this life is.

    I push everyone away, sensitive to the slightest thing anyone says or does and take it personally. So be thankful you have lots of friends. I have a hard time keeping them. Relationships can be hard work with two healthy people, imagine one with one or both partners depressed..

    You may react differently with a partner that I do.

    But for me, my experience has been feelings of guilt for being with someone that loves me and having to deal with my moody and unhappy state of mind. I want to let my partner go but whether I do or not ” I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t”. I just feel like my partner deserves a healthier person and fearful that I will bring my partner down with me. Which has happened in the past..

    Don’t get me wrong I am grateful to have my partner in my life but I feel guilty for being in the state I am from time to time.

    My depression comes and goes. Had it for years on end. Was terrified of feeling the way i did for so long, then one day I managed to be free of it for about 2 yrs and a half. It crept back into my life, the weird part was that it started with sharing my past experience with depression with someone who was curious. Then my obsessive thinking about my purpose in life increased and I became depressed; having suicidal thoughts and so forth. Yesterday it was my back and some worried thoughts. Today, my legs are sore. Better state of mind than this past month.

    So that is my dilemma. I think gratitude helped shift my mind when I began to have faith that it’s bound to get better. I think it begins with hope, then faith, then gratitude.. but then at other times no matter what when you feel knee deep in depression nothing seems to work. We have to start somewhere if we want to begin healing..

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