I was looking through some of my old journals and marveling at/feeling grateful for how much better I am. Really, it’s almost like I’m a different person – I feel a bit more like it would be more accurate just to describe my life as having started over rather than gotten better. There were some entries where I noted that it was 4 am and I woke up feeling lonely and hopeless and cried for hours. Not about anything in particular, just about EVERYTHING.
I started thinking about what it would be like to have my life drawn out like a graph – I definitely had a lot of high points but they didn’t last and they were followed by such lows. My journal is full of me trying to figure out if I’m not trusting God, if I’m doing something wrong, if everything is from my childhood… Now, 17 or 18 years later, I can see really clearly that it was DEPRESSION but then, I just didn’t know. And the only experience I had had with depression was my mother being suicidal so I for sure didn’t want to entertain that possibility. Anyway, the graph of my life now is still up and down, obviously, and I expect it to be like that forever. Only the baseline is so much higher.
After I thought of graphing my life, I realized how inadequate it would be. The problem is that a graph simply wouldn’t be dramatic enough. There is simply no way to show on a graph that the bottom has fallen out of your life – that the floor underneath me has turned into a gaping hole that is threatening to swallow me and drown me in its blackness. That is not graphable, and not definable.