Today is Christmas.  It doesn’t feel special.  I think that’s all right.

I was a kid who thought Christmas was magical.  I wanted to sleep in the living room because I loved the Christmas tree and the Christmas lights so much.  I liked presents, of course, but I was more excited about the spirit of the season.  (I was much less cynical then).

This Christmas was fine.  I went to see family yesterday and I survived – it was actually pretty pleasant.  I had dinner with friends and went to a beautiful candlelight church service.  Today I had dinner with more friends.  But nothing about the weekend has felt special.

I miss the special feeling and I think that it’s likely this way not only because I’m an adult, because I’m single and I’m alone.  I mean, I was with friends, but they were all coupled up and were all going home to exchange presents with their spouses.  I went home and read a book.  Which is, again, fine.  But not special.

However, I’m not crying.  I’m not sad this Christmas, and I don’t feel hopeless.  I have no despair.  So I guess I’ll take the so-so ordinary feeling as an improvement.


6 Responses to Ordinary

  1. knowmyworth says:

    It is hard to let go of those expectations of a “magical” Christmas, and I also wonder if that is just part of “growing up” or something unique to those of us who are single. It does help when we know we are never really alone, God is always holding our hand.

  2. Wendy Love says:

    Isn’t it possible that the whole idea of Christmas is imprinted on us as a child, when our parents were responsible for creating special times for us and all we had to do is turn up? From listening to others it seems that we spend the rest of our lives trying to live up to those memories, but we would have to be an innocent child again to ever experience it that way. Just a thought….

  3. I feel so cynical about Christmas too. I think having kids helps – I can experience a bit of the magic through them. But I still feel like it is a big let down, that is nothing special.

  4. Abigail says:

    So glad to have happened upon this blog. I too am a survivor, a 22 year old who has struggled with depression most of my life, and it’s so encouraging to not feel alone on this journey.
    When I am well, I know depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance, a health problem. But when I’m in the middle of it, the condemnation, the feeling that I am uniquely and horribly flawed, the feelings of shame–they are all so real. Ohhh the shame. It has been (regrettably) my closest friend and worst enemy these 22 years.
    I praise God that he has freed me from any sense that my depression is a result of a lack of faith or trust in Him. He has revealed His love for me in unique ways through my illness. But it’s painful nonetheless. It’s hard to feel misunderstood by those around me, to feel like no one can relate, to feel like I should be feeling things that I can’t feel or that I shouldn’t be feeling the bad things that I am. And it’s especially difficult when I see people around me receive attention and affection when sick, but because of the nature of my illness, it feels like I suffer unbeknownst the the world. Thankfully, I have a good support system in my family. My mother had her first bout with depression 2 years ago, and it has been of unestimable worth to have her understand where I am on the darkest days.
    So thank you for blogging about this and bringing us survivors together. One day at a time my friends…

  5. Abigail says:

    Whoops…meant to post this on the homepage 🙂

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