Saturday Night

I’ve written about how much of a failure I feel when I’m home alone on weekends.  It’s really a bit ridiculous and I’ve been trying to think it through and sort it out in my head somewhat.  Yesterday was Saturday night and I found myself home alone.  Actually, I didn’t find myself there, I chose to be there, and it was still difficult.

I had options: I could go to a friend’s musical performance, I could call another friend for dinner, I could go visit a friend and her baby, and there were any number of people I could call – either to try to make plans or to just to catch up with.  I had taught a class that day though, and I wasn’t really in the mood for people.  I also had a book I really wanted to read and a soft dog I wanted to snuggle with, so I decided to stay home and spend the evening on the couch.

It was so hard.

Immediately, I started thinking – almost aloud – that I was a failure.  I obviously didn’t have any friends and I was clearly never going to get a boyfriend if I didn’t get out of the house and meet people.  I felt like I was wasting my time and that I was just marking time until I could go to sleep.  It was sort of a cross between feeling like I had been stood up and killing time while waiting for an airplane.  I realized in the middle of it that I was being really unfair to myself. This wasn’t a way to kill time – this was a way to enjoy myself and it was no less valid than spending time with friends.

But it felt less valid.  Just like eating at a table with real silverware feels unnecessary when it’s just me.  Just like looking nice feels invalid if there’s no one “special” to look nice for.  Just like seeing a sunset seems like less of an experience when I’m alone.

I think some of this makes sense – it’s nice to share experiences with people and it’s nice to be in community.  But I don’t think that should mean that I cease to exist or have meaning when I’m alone.  Or that I should not enjoy solitude.

This is kind of ramble-y but I’m just trying to figure things out.  People say that identifying the problem is the first step but to me, identifying the problem often seems really overwhelming, almost like there wasn’t a problem before I named it.  I’m trying to remember that I’ve always felt this way and it certainly didn’t feel any better before I could name it.


4 Responses to Saturday Night

  1. Fizzy says:

    I agree with this, solitude can be so nice, and we all need time to ourselves and shouldnt beat ourselves up for it. I understand what you mean about getting dressed up etc and things too, I find I dont see the point either, as I hardly ever go outside or see anyone. xx

  2. dragonboy56 says:

    I stumbled upon your blog by chance. I was considering getting the Hebrew word Shekinah tattooed on my wrist and was led to your blog. And the title of your blog especially intrigued me. What does it mean to be a “Christian”, what does it mean to be “clinically depressed”? I have never been diagnosed by a doctor as being either of these things but I know that I am both.
    And the fascinating thing is that both go hand in hand.
    It may sound strange but I VERY strongly believe it to be true.
    This statement has come about through a lifetime of studying what the difference is between the spiritual path and the materialistic/scientific path. Especially as this question relates to the question of who am I.
    The scientific materialistic answer would be the same one that creates the label “clinically depressed”.
    The religious answer would be that you are a child of God.

    Where the two meet, in my personal opinion is what it means to be a true Christian.
    I in no way want to sound preachy or know it all. My MAIN intention is to help out if i can, and since i’ve totally experienced the feelings you’ve expressed in this entry and have been able to come to a place where I can appreciate the time where I choose to stay at home. Maybe I can shed light…

    For me it has been extremely beneficial to come to a definition of Christ from the origins and heart of the Christian teachings, which is Kabbalah, Gnosis, Esoteric Philosophy, Theosophy, Anthroposophy etc. (all of these have as their goal the understanding of the heart of all of the worlds religions, basically these traditions never left the truth that science and religion came from the same origin, and it isn’t until recently that the two became seperate.) And Really this doesn’t have to be super technical (although for me it helps to study the technical side to appreciate how it applies to my life, such as the situation we’re considering).
    The Christ, according to these teachings, is that part of yourself, that is still connected to the divine or God. It is the Son, meaning that part of yourself that was Given life to by the Father through the Mother (Holy Spirit). Now there is often this question of whether or not we (as Christians) can know God/Christ personally, but it has been my experience that this is the entire point. In fact it’s impossible if the teachings of the bible are true to be seperate from God.
    So, that being said, the question is “what does this have to do with me feeling like a failure cause I choose to stay home”?
    Now for me the dots began to be connected because when I asked myself the same question that you posed in your previous blog post about weekends “Where did this voice come from?” In my meditations I realized that this voice was not mine at all. It was a socialized (materialistic) definition that I’d adopted becuase “every body goes out on the weekends right!” if you don’t your a loser, and all of the peer pressure that goes along with weekends in our modern world.
    Which is interesting because you said you’ve “always” felt this way, which brings up what for me has been the discernment of the self that comes from Christ and the self that longs to be transformed by the Christ (which is the entire meditative path itself).
    So I couldn’t help but think how wonderful your evening spent at home with your dog and your good book sounded, truly inspiring.

    The voice that came through while I was reading your post “which I’ve come to understand as the Christ” or in other terms “that which longs to show others the glory and beauty at the heart of their very existence” smiled deeply at your choice.

    I hope that might have helped…
    As I said It is my intention to, my words can often be misconstrued, but I am truly greatfull for your existence and struggles and feel your loving presence in your words.
    ps: I ended up getting the tattoo, mine on my right wrist 🙂
    many blessings to you
    in light all-ways

    • broken saint says:

      I’m glad someone else out there has the tattoo also! I think it’s a great one. Your words do help, thanks.

  3. Abigail M says:

    I can totally relate to feeling like a failure because you are alone on a Saturday night. I was homeschooled, so for that and other reasons, I have never had a lot of friends. It’s something I’ve always felt ashamed of. But lately, through reading a book called “The Introvert Advantage” and other resources on introversion, I’ve come to understand that I am wired to need alone time, and that there is no shame in it. Understanding that I derive my energy from being alone has helped me learn to be gracious with myself, instead of feeling ashamed or that there is “something wrong” with me when I am ok spending the evening with a good book and don’t feel at all compelled to go party. Its still difficult — I still feel shame in moments when I am particularly depressed (then I start playing the “oh I am flawed in some way that other people aren’t and no one will ever want anything to do with me game”– but understanding my wiring and the innate characteristic of introversion has definitely given me more freedom to be who I am and not feel guilty for it.

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