Purple Flowers

I’ve made a decision.  It may not seem that dramatic, but it’s been coming for a while and I think it has the potential to change my life.  Here it is:

If I say I trust God to take care of me, I need to trust God to take care of me.

I know that sounds obvious and simplistic, but I’ve been so worried about so many things lately (work, money, future… I’ve even found myself not able to sleep at night because I don’t know who’s going to take care of my in my old age.  I’m 36.) and worry is contrary to what I say I believe: that God loves me and cares what happens to me.

I don’t understand, but I remember one time when it was as if I actually heard the voice of God.  About 8 years ago, during a time when I was not doing very well emotionally or spiritually, I found out that my landlord was selling the house I was living in and I had to move.  That doesn’t seem like that big of a deal now, but I was having some issues with insecurity and upheaval and it just felt like one more thing I couldn’t do. Even though this news wasn’t exactly earth-shaking, it felt like it was.

I talked to a number of people and shared how scared I was about the future and how much this one thing triggered me.  The one thing I heard over and over – from people who were Christians and those who weren’t – told me to ask God (or “the universe”) for exactly what I wanted.  For some reason, what came into my mind was that I really wanted a house with stairs, a yellow bedroom, and purple flowers out front.  I don’t know why those things were what came up, but I kept asking for them.

I felt pretty silly but then I found a house to rent.  It had stairs in the front and a few inside, beautiful purple Mexican sage out front, and the room that my roommates didn’t want was a lovely pale yellow.  It was so exactly what I was looking for that I still have a couple of friends who say “remember the purple flowers?” whenever I doubt.  I felt like God was looking me directly in the eyes, saying he loved me and would always take care of me.I know it could be a coincidence but it wasn’t.  I can’t explain how I know, but I do.

Again, I don’t understand.  Why would God provide what I was asking for in silly details of housing when he wasn’t healing my depression (and didn’t for over 6 more years)?  Why was God providing this and not other things that I was asking for: a husband, healing for someone I knew with cancer, the ability to sleep through the night (still don’t have any of those)?  Less importantly, why did I get to have this house for only 9 months before that landlord sold it? And, of course, why would God pay attention to these details when there are people without basic needs?

I don’t know.  I have no idea.  But I’m making a decision to trust.   It doesn’t come naturally to me (it would be an understatement to say I’m a worrier) but that seems to make it more important somehow.  A few years ago, I got a tattoo to remind me that God was always with me.  It’s a beautiful thing, to know that the presence of God is with me.  It’s time to live like it.

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4 Responses to Purple Flowers

  1. 71 & Sunny says:

    Thank you for sharing that story. How lovely. There have been times when God provided things like that for me too. What a faith builder. I don’t know why some prayers get answered the way we want, and others do not. I have struggled with those questions as well. There are so many people in the world suffering, and yet God grants me something that is not even that important in the scheme of things and I wonder, why? I’ve come to realize that I just need to accept that He knows what He is doing. He sees the bigger picture, and I am just going to be thankful for His blessings. I think that is part of trust too. Accepting that sometimes, God just blesses us, and we don’t understand it. As someone who lives with OCD, I certainly understand worry. I’m sorry you’ve had trouble sleeping because of it. Been there, done that. I hope you feel the peace of the Lord. And yes, remember those purple flowers?

  2. dmlynn says:

    I find too that it is a choice we have to make to trust the Lord. So many times I just want a ‘feeling’, but then I am reminded that faith isn’t a feeling.
    I love the Lord with all my heart, mind, and soul even though I am a Christian who suffers with clinical depression.
    Nice to meet you 🙂
    I’d love for you to come visit at my blog where I share my journey living with this illness.

    http://forthelordismylife.blogspot.com
    blessings! Deanna

  3. Betty K says:

    This is an awesome post. Thanks so much for sharing. I am also a worrier by nature and often let small things bring me down, so this is an incredible story to share. It takes courage to let go and depend on God more. It is a struggle many of us know. Let us know how your choice goes. We all need to remember the ‘purple flowers’ In our lives more!

  4. […] I was reminded of what my friends in Mexico say: “Nuestro Dios no es pobre” (our God is not poor).  I was also reminded of this post I wrote not all that long ago. […]

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