I don’t know if it’s the medications not being stabilized, or my ex-boyfriend getting married this summer, or half my family being unemployed, or just generally being lonely (or whatever else trigger can bring on depression), but today has been bad so far. It was fine in the morning and then as the afternoon started, I just got more and depressed and couldn’t figure out why. It got to the point where I was working on the computer while crying, which I used to do a lot. I have work to do and I need to get it doe, and I used to be so depressed so much of the time that I couldn’t let a little thing like wanting to not be alive stop me or I’d never function again. So I do as much of my work (or driving, or whatever) as I can while crying, and then when I’m crying to hard to wear my glasses any more, I go lie down and hopefully fall asleep. That’s what happened today.
I don’t know what to do when this happen and I just wish I had some other kind of disease. I know someone with diabetes who always posts on Facebook or Twitter when her stats are low (or high? I don’t really know how diabetes works), and she gets encouragement and acknowledgment of how hard that is to live with. When my friends have a bad cold or mono, or if they break a bone, they can post that on Facebook and people offer to bring soup or drive them to the doctor or walk their dog. And I have people who would do that too. But I can’t put this kind of stuff on Facebook. “Can anyone bring me soup because I’m sad for no reason?” “Can someone come sit in my house because I need company but I can’t get in the car?” “I feel worthless, can someone come visit me please?” All of those things would help, but I can’t put them in a public forum.
I sent text messages to a couple of people, but again, there’s a lack of understanding. These friends would come in a second if something physical happened to me. If I needed money and they were able, they’d give it to me. They’re good friends. But they don’t understand why I feel so bad (neither do I) and they don’t understand that I can’t control it and that it can be SO BAD. One is legitimately super busy and stressed and texted with me for a little bit but I don’t think she could have done much more with everything going on and I understand. One said I was welcome to come to her house – which is 30-45 minutes away and I’m not sure I could drive to the corner store right now. One said that I could call her if I needed, any time. I’m sure if you haven’t experienced it, you don’t know that I am not only functional enough to drive, I am not functional enough to make a phone call, and I’m barely functional enough to type. I didn’t try anyone else because I couldn’t handle it, not because I thought they’d be unhelpful, but because I started believing that I’m not worth their attention and love and care. I’m so ashamed of being depressed.
There haven’t been that many bad days recently, although they seem to be getting more frequent. I’ll probably be fine tomorrow, or mostly fine. But getting through today feels like more than I can do by myself and every time I have one of these days, I get more scared that all of my days will be like this again.