I was looking up the word “depressed” because I feel like it’s overused and doesn’t really convey want I want it to convey. I realized that there are different things I want to convey at different times. Sometimes it’s that I’m absolutely at the edge of the pit of despair and that I can’t remember anything being OK, ever, and that I’ve lost all hope and am swallowed up in darkness. Sometimes it’s just that something heavy is pressing on me and everything is harder.
One of the definitions I found was “a sunken place or part; an area lower than the surrounding surface.” That’s how I feel today. Lower than all the surrounding surfaces. Sunken. I got into bed this afternoon even though I wasn’t that tired. My dog came in the bed with me and we took a nap. Then I woke up – still not tired – and just couldn’t get up. Couldn’t read, couldn’t get up, couldn’t make a phone call. I wasn’t crying and sad, but I felt like I was in a sunken place – sunken into my bed and unable to get up.
I did get up finally, but it took a lot of effort and I felt like I was sleepwalking. Fortunately I had some dinner plans with friends which helped and I feel better now. But all these episodes are reminding me of how this can come on when I don’t expect it and frightening me, because I’ve lost decades of my life to this and really don’t want to lose any more.