I made a doctor’s appointment for Friday, which is also my 37th birthday. Going to the psychiatrist on my birthday is not really what I want to be doing, but it was the first appointment she had and I need to go. the amount of anxiety I’ve been having lately is at a whole new level for me. I find myself awake at night worrying about where I am going to go for Christmas (yes, I know it’s only July), who I’m going to carpool with to my friend’s wedding next month, when I’m going to be able to walk the dog, when one of my paychecks is going to come and if it’s too early to ask about it again, how I’m going to get the scratches out of the floor, if I’m a good enough dog owner, who’s going to take care of me when I’m old…Some of these are really important questions, some are not, but none of them is going to get solved in the middle of the night. At the same time, I have random conversations repeating in my head, songs I can’t get out of my head, adrenaline running through my body, and a constant need to go to the bathroom because I am so nervous. Needless to say, I’m not sleeping. In fact, I was thinking about lying on the hardwood floor last night because somehow I was convinced, in my anxious sleep-deprived brain, that that would calm me down.
At the same time, I don’t want to tell anyone because I feel like I’m a horrible person who doesn’t deserve friends.
Fortunately, if there is a fortunately in all of this, I have been dealing with this mess for long enough and gone to enough therapy that I know there’s something off in my brain and that at least most of this stuff isn’t true. And I can look back at my writing and see that fairly recently, I felt really good.
The unfortunate part is that this may mean more trial and error with meds. I tend to need new meds every few years and that is expensive, inconvenient, and sometimes terrifying. I never know what will work, what will cause side effects, what will make things worse, and what will only work enough to make me think that this is as good as it gets for the rest of my life.
And this is what I get to do on my birthday. I’d appreciate prayers – the last time I had meds adjusted in a major way, it worked out really well. Chances aren’t great that it will work out that well again, but here’s hoping.