I have enjoyed being alone this week. In fact, I often enjoy being alone now. I’m not panicked by the thought, and I don’t spiral into depression. In fact, it didn’t even occur to me.
I had a really light workload this week because many of my students were on spring break. In the past, I would have had to fill this time up or the depression would have crept up on me when I was least expecting it. I don’t have to do that anymore.
What an incredible gift: the ability to enjoy solitude, to enjoy a sunny day by myself, to be able to take the dog in the backyard and smell the jasmine and not be sad. I’d always be sad because I love the smell and there’s something uniquely tragic in not being able to enjoy something you love because you don’t want to exist. Now I just smell it and enjoy the smell.
Does this count as a miracle? I don’t know for sure that it’ll always be like this but I’ll take it for now.