May 27, 2013
Wow, a lot has happened lately.
I’m officially dating someone. He’s a really good guy. I don’t know what the future holds and that terrifies me but I’m happy with him.
I got a job offer. It is absolutely my ideal job – working for a non-profit that has a mission statement of systemic change in the population that I used to teach. I’d be overseeing the after-school program (grades K-5, I think) AND the teachers of that program (ages 15-23, mostly from that community). I’d be back with the kids I’m passionate about, and I’d be teaching the teenage and young adult versions of them to be teachers. It would be hard and wonderful and exactly what I love to do. It doesn’t pay enough.
I told the executive director (who has known me for a while and seen me teach) that it’s my ideal job and I can’t afford to take it. She said to pray and we’d try to find more funding.
I was reminded of what my friends in Mexico say: “Nuestro Dios no es pobre” (our God is not poor). I was also reminded of this post I wrote not all that long ago.
I’m trusting again. The problem with trusting God is that he might have different plans than me. But I’ve made my decision. It’s hard and I’m still trusting. (or trying!!)
May 15, 2013
This is my mother holding me or my sister, I’m not sure which, so either almost 38 or almost 35 years ago. She describes this as being really happy and loving her little ones. When I look at her face, I just see hopelessness.
I thought maybe this was because I remember how incredibly depressed she was, from before I was born until after I was in college. Then I had a friend look at it and she used the same word, “hopeless.” My mother looks like if you took the baby out of her arms, she would just fold herself up into the fetal position and give up.
This is what I’m talking about when I say “family history.” I have a family history of alcoholism, abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual), and depression. I toss out those two words like they’re nothing. They’re the answer to why I don’t drink, to why I have to be careful with monitoring my moods, to why I’m anxious about dating. “Oh, you know, family history.”
But then I saw this picture of my mom – a photo that she remembers as happy – and realize how low her baseline really was and remember how low her lows were. And how there really weren’t any highs.
I’m so grateful to have gotten help early. I feel like it took far, far too long to get my depression treated but oh my goodness, it could have been so much worse.
May 6, 2013
I’ve talked about my nightmares before and how that’s one of the things I consider to be a miracle. Granted, I have no idea why God ever permitted such horrible nightmares, and I’m often very angry about that, but I’m also able to be glad for the healing (although I’d really really like an explanation!)
Today I was taking a nap, suffering from allergies and Benadryl and all that fun stuff so the nap wasn’t very restful but I was having a hard time waking up. All of a sudden, mostly asleep, I had this strong sense that the depression was back and I’d feel like this forever. This was a pretty common element of my nightmares before and I’d often wake up and not really recover from it all day. Today, even still mostly asleep, I felt something telling me “This will pass, this too shall pass.” In my dream. And I woke up and I was OK. Minor and miraculous at the same time.