Residue

April 12, 2016

I’ve been doing better for so long – years now! – that I forget sometimes what depression feels like. It feels great to have forgotten – I feel happy and contented and resilient even when something does go wrong.

Then I had surgery – just a tonsillectomy, so pretty routine but extremely painful. I couldn’t talk for a week and 18 days after the surgery, I’m still exhausted and recovering, although back at work as of today.

And I’ve been feeling like I’m just on the verge of depresion. It’s not too bad. You know when you’re getting a cold and you just barely have a scratchy throat but you know the cold is coming? It feels like that. I don’t know if the depression IS coming, but that is what it feels like.

I know all the reasons why I feel like this. I was in a lot of pain for over a week. I’m still exhausted. Also I wasn’t able to eat real food for a while, so I was constantly hungry. So clearly, anyone could predict that I’d feel self-pitying and sad but I didn’t remember how it really¬†felt.

It doesn’t feel good. I think if I hadn’t had such paralyzing depression for so long, I could take it more as an individual occurance and not catastrophize. But it feels like I’m losing my footing and it’s getting dangerous.

It doesn’t help that a bunch more friends are having babies (I’m 40 years old! When is this going to stop?), moving, or getting married. So people are busy and understandably so. But I don’t want to get there again. Ever. And I’m so frustrated that I don’t have the luxury of taking this for granted and knowing that I’ll be ok because I never know if I’ll be OK.