Anyone who has dealt with major depression knows that it invades every cell of your body, to the point where everything, absolutely everything, can lead to extreme sadness.
I haven’t been there for a while, but it appears to be coming back. I paid my ex-boyfriend some money I owed him, and felt like that was a bit of closure.
Apparently, I wasn’t ready for closure.
This sent me into a tailspin. I have managed to convince myself that I will be alone forever, and never feel happy again. Part of this is grief, absolutely. I loved him—I still love him—and I’ve lost my best friend and the man I loved.
of it is depression. The signs are far too familiar. I’m sleeping too much and it never feels like enough. I have no appetite at all except for sugar. I’m losing interest in everyday activities. And I’m sad. I’m crying like I can’t stop again. Not every day, at least not yet.
Yesterday I got up and felt incredibly sad. I did what I could to feel better. I went for a walk in the sun with the dog. I took a hot shower. I had to sit down in the middle of the shower because I was crying too hard to stand up. I just couldn’t stop.
I finally was able to calm myself down enough to do some work, and I looked over at my dog, lying in the sun, looking incredibly contented.
Somehow, that was the saddest thing I had ever seen. That dog, who I love, who brings me joy, that dog, lying down contented, that was tragically sad.
That’s what depression does. It steals the joy in absolutely everything. I don’t want to be back there.