February 23, 2017

Just a short update, but I’m feeling better. I don’t know if this is because I’m on vacation, spending time with a friend, actually saw the sun today, or the new meds are kicking in, but I’m grateful.

It just feels so fleeting.

I’m Trying Everything

February 15, 2017

If you have ever suffered from depression, you know that well-meaning people have all sorts of suggestions for you. I’m here to tell you that I’ve tried ALL of them. I’ve taken hot baths, gone on walks in the sun, played with the dog, gone to yoga, eaten healthy, eaten sugar, slept more, slept less, watched TV, read books, not watched any TV, knitted, talked to friends, meditated, prayed, spent time with friends, written, upped my medication, gone to therapy… what am I missing?

I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling since April but it’s not getting better. I have done the steps I need to. I just went to the psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted (another post there soon) and am hoping that helps. Also the weather is improving (in California) and the longer days and more sunshine is helping somewhat. But only a little.

These symptoms are far, far, too familiar. I know what comes next. I know that pretty soon I will isolate completely. And then I will start seeing things in gray instead of color, first metaphorically and then literally. I know that I will start feeling sad about absolutely everything, including seeing my dog and working with kids; things that bring me joy. I’ll dream about cutting myself and I’ll want to end things but I also know it’s not a possibility which feels more like a prison sentence than hope.

I think I’ll eventually be OK because I always have been but sometimes eventually comes after years and I don’t want to do this for years again.

One of the things that feels the worst is that I look OK. If you lived with me, I wouldn’t. But I’m single and I look OK enough for people not to check in on me on this level, and I’m not OK. But so few people know it.

A Long Winter

February 11, 2017

I’m so tired.

I don’t live in a part of the country that is considered cold. It doesn’t snow, there is plenty of sun compared to many other areas, and it doesn’t usually get to freezing. But it’s doing me in.

I have been cold since October and I think it’s more than physically cold. My house has terrible insulation and that isn’t helping, and it’s been raining more than usual, but I feel like my soul is cold.

The grayness is getting to me also. It was sunny today but it was gray and rainy for the previous four days and I haven’t gotten out of that funk. I have three full-spectrum lights in my house and I’m suffering.

At least I know now that I could never live anywhere colder or grayer. I saw a new doctor and we increased my medicine. I look forward to going to bed every night and have trouble getting up. I’m hoping that changes as the days get longer.