April 16, 2017
If there is one thing that would change my life for the better, it would be having less fear. That is an understatement. It wouldn’t just change my life, it would revolutionize it.
I am not afraid of snakes, spiders, or bridges. I’m only a little afraid of heights and commitment. I am, however, terrified that I will not be taken care of.
I have believed in God for my entire life. But I don’t trust God. I don’t believe that God cares about me or will care for me. This is, of course, a bit of an exaggeration. I believe in my head that God cares about me, but it’s never made it to my heart.
I want that to change. I really do. I don’t want to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out what I’m going to do about housing a year from now or if I’m going to be alone when I die. I don’t want to go through every worst-case scenario and everything I’m afraid of and try to figure out what I’ll do in every possible case.
I want to actually believe God. I want to trust God. I don’t understand, but I want to know that God cares for me, cares about me, and will take care of me. I don’t want to fear the future; I want to be excited for what God will bring me.
April 7, 2017
I miss my ex so much. SO MUCH. And friends have tried to explain to me that I’m better off without someone who can’t handle being in a relationship (I think he left because being alone felt safer, but honestly, I got so little closure that I don’t really know). And that doesn’t help.
I had a really weird dream last night, or actually early this morning right before I woke up. I dreamed that I was snorkeling with cobras. And it was terrifying, so I woke up afraid, but then somehow it got me thinking about the good snorkeling experiences I’ve had…. all of the latest ones being with him. And we loved snorkeling together. We would hold hands while snorkeling and squeeze the other person’s hand when we saw a really good fish. Sometimes he would get really excited about a fish and sort of wave his hands around. We went to Hawaii twice and Puerto Rico once and each time had amazing snorkeling experiences. We usually snorkeled in the morning, and then we would take hot showers or go in the hot tub and talk about all the cool things we saw: the coral and the fish and the sea turtles.
I miss him so much. I’m not sure if it would be better if I had more closure or not, but I’ll never know.
It’s more than losing him as a person. It’s the rejection – him walking away and I don’t know why. It’s the loss of a dream – we did really well together and we loved traveling together. It’s not having someone in my life who knows me in the way he knew me; who I didn’t have to explain things to.
I miss him so much and I’m so tired of grieving. It goes away eventually, right?