Letter to My Ex

The letter I can’t actually send:

It’s been over a year and I still don’t understand. In fact, not only do I not understand, but nobody I know does. My friends are still confused. “But he loved you.” “But he was the one who wanted to date you, before you were interested.” “But you were so good together.” In fact, even the few of YOUR friends I’ve talked to don’t understand. You might be the only one who does, but I’m not sure you know either.

What was actually wrong? You never did say. “I need more freedom” when I was giving you freedom but you rarely went to see your old friends you talked about missing didn’t make sense. The weekend you broke up with me, our counselor said she was amazed at our progress and was so happy with where we were. Was it all an act for her?

You said it wasn’t fear. Then what was it? The same counselor — the one who you said you trusted implicitly — she said if you left it would be because you were afraid. She said that it was going to me more frightening for you to stay but it would be better for you because you can only do growing about relationship in a relationship. She urged you to work through the fear because (although she didn’t like to tell people what to do in a relationship), she thought we were better together.

You were the one who pursued me. I was unsure and you stuck with it and were patient with me. You fell in love with me first and you waited until I loved you back. You were the one who started talking about a future and travel and these things that terrified me, but I came around and I learned to love you deeply. What was all that for? Why did I go through this process.

I haven’t seen you in over a year and I still miss you so much that it hurts. Our vacation photos look like paradise. I remember your conversations with my family and how excited they were that you were a quality person who loved me.

I just wish I understood.

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5 Responses to Letter to My Ex

  1. Betty says:

    Dear Broken Saint,
    You should send the letter to him. If for nothing else, to possibly get the answers you never got when it ended. I feel the sadness and hurt and pain you still have. It would be nice to talk to him to get closure and answers. Bless you and hugs to you, sweet friend, Betty

    • broken saint says:

      I asked him a few months after the breakup and he told me that he never wanted to talk about the relationship again. I don’t think I’m going to get any answers, which is really really hard.

      • Betty says:

        I think that is sad that he never wants to talk about the relationship ever again. It is sad if you both are no longer in contact or have a lingering friendship. I wish he could be honest and open to you and share how he truly felt. Nothing like a breakup with no closure.

  2. broken saint says:

    I totally agree. It’s really sad for me but I’m also sad for him.

    • Betty says:

      I’m actually sad for both of you. It seemed like such a beautiful relationship, full of moments of joy and promise. I wonder if he recognizes or senses the loss. I wish he would allow his heart to open up enough to be honest. Honest about how he felt about you during the relationship and honest about how he feels now. Sometimes men retract in fear, it would seem healthier to be able to talk about it and spend time together. What he is doing choosing to shut down feels unnatural and unhealthy. It is not good to repress feelings and not talk about it.

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