A Partial List of Reasons I’m Anxious

June 15, 2017

I thought I’d write it down so I had a better idea and maybe less “free-floating” anxiety, so, here is a partial list of reasons I’m anxious:

  1. I’m packing for vacation and might forget something
  2. The airline might lose my suitcase
  3. I had a blood vessel burst in my eye and it looks gross although it’s benign
  4. The doorknob on the bedroom that my new housemate will move into doesn’t work and the landlord isn’t answering me
  5. Something I sent priority mail got lost and the post office is not answering me
  6. My dog is 7 years old and won’t live forever
  7. What if my housing costs go up and I have to move out of the area?
  8. What if I have to move and can’t find a place that will take dogs?
  9. I have to figure out how to market the book I wrote
  10. I have to drive on the wrong side of the road in a couple of days
  11. I have to remember what I said I’d get people for souvenirs
  12. My nephew and nieces will grow up in a world that is not safe
  13. I might need to buy disability insurance because I’m self-employed
  14. I don’t know how to buy disability insurance
  15. Do I need long-term care insurance?
  16. I might not be able to sleep on the plane
  17. I’m spending money on therapy and it might not be helping me so I might be wasting my money
  18. I might get into a car accident one day
  19. I will miss my dog when I’m gone
  20. I might write another book
  21. I might never write another book
  22. I might have way too much work
  23. I might not have enough work

Clearly I could keep going and going. And this is not a particularly stressful time, this is just my head ALL THE TIME.

Anyone else end up like this? Any great coping mechanisms? Today I lay on my bed for about an hour holding my dog’s paw (she has this new thing where she loves holding hands) which helped. Temporarily.

The interesting thing is that I don’t think anyone who doesn’t know me well can tell! I hide it pretty well.


When the Meds Work…

June 11, 2017

…they really work. I feel like a normal person again. I hope it lasts!

I’ll be traveling soon, so I’m not sure when I can check in but I will when I can!


Being Productive

June 2, 2017

I finished a big deadline, and was working way too much, up until bedtime, every day including weekends. It was exhausting and not ideal but there was also a purpose to it. I felt like I was useful and doing something productive.

I met the deadline and am back to normal amounts of work and feel… like something is missing. I thought I’d feel relieved but I don’t. Instead, I feel less worthy somehow (does that even make sense?) Like working is a useful thing to do but I don’t deserve free relaxation time. In the back of my mind somewhere there’s a feeling about being single and childless… if I don’t have a partner or children to spend time with, I should be doing something else productive.

I don’t know how to explain this better. Something about me by myself is not worth enough so I need to be working? I don’t even understand it myself!