February 14, 2018
The UK has appointed a Minister of Loneliness. https://www.nytimes.com/2018/01/17/world/europe/uk-britain-loneliness.html It made me think. It sounds like they’ve done it because of really severe cases: people who hadn’t spoken to a loved one or friend in months.
But some of us are lonely even surrounded by great people! I have so many friends and a very strong community. And I stil feel lonely so very much of the time.
Part of it is just being “un-partnered.” There’s something very powerful about having someone in your life for whom you always come first. I miss that a lot. I am no one’s first call in case of a disaster. I would be many people’s second, third, fourth, or fifth call! But everyone has someone before me. And it’s really easy to be very sad about that.
Then, people are busy. I get that. I’m busy too and I don’t even have children. It’s super valid. But I just want friends to make time for me.
I’m genetically predisposed for loneliness, I think. Many people would not be this lonely in my situation, if at all. But it’s real.
February 4, 2018
I do NOT do well with uncertainty. I never have. When I was a little kid, I wrote out schedules for myself with very specific details. 3:00: read Little House on the Prairie. 3:30 draw. 4:00 rest. 4:15 use the bathroom. 4:30 read dinosaur book, 4:45 play outside. You get the idea.
This probably has to do with growing up in a very chaotic family. Schedules made me feel secure. I’ve seen this over and over with my students, although they usually weren’t as obsessive as me about scheduling.
I don’t feel like I’ve had a lot of security over the last few years. I’ve had a breakup, my friends continue to get married and have kids and move away so I don’t see them as much, and I’ve had one housemate after another. But I’ve gotten to live in the same house.
I love this house. It is an old Victorian split up into four units and I have the main floor unit. It has 12-foot ceilings, a gorgeous marble fireplace (see the photo!) and a backyard.
So when my landlord told me he was selling, I was devastated. I felt like my whole world had ended. Because this was my security and my security is gone.
I really got very depressed and very distraught. I didn’t think I was going to be homeless but I thought I was going to have to live in a horrible box that I hated. I felt lonely and alone and like God had forgotten me.
I’m still a little bit in that space. I’m doing better now, and I am a little more able to see that I am not forgotten and that this might actually open up options. But it really felt like a crisis. It felt terrifying. I think i’m Still feeling the aftermath of that.