I do NOT do well with uncertainty. I never have. When I was a little kid, I wrote out schedules for myself with very specific details. 3:00: read Little House on the Prairie. 3:30 draw. 4:00 rest. 4:15 use the bathroom. 4:30 read dinosaur book, 4:45 play outside. You get the idea.

This probably has to do with growing up in a very chaotic family. Schedules made me feel secure. I’ve seen this over and over with my students, although they usually weren’t as obsessive as me about scheduling.

I don’t feel like I’ve had a lot of security over the last few years. I’ve had a breakup, my friends continue to get married and have kids and move away so I don’t see them as much, and I’ve had one housemate after another. But I’ve gotten to live in the same house.

I love this house. It is an old Victorian split up into four units and I have the main floor unit. It has 12-foot ceilings, a gorgeous marble fireplace (see the photo!) and a backyard.

So when my landlord told me he was selling, I was devastated. I felt like my whole world had ended. Because this was my security and my security is gone.

I really got very depressed and very distraught. I didn’t think I was going to be homeless but I thought I was going to have to live in a horrible box that I hated. I felt lonely and alone and like God had forgotten me.

I’m still a little bit in that space. I’m doing better now, and I am a little more able to see that I am not forgotten and that this might actually open up options. But it really felt like a crisis. It felt terrifying. I think i’m Still feeling the aftermath of that.



2 Responses to Uncertainty

  1. Betty says:

    Thanks for sharing, Broken Saint. I understand that feeling of needing constant security and a predictable schedule. And yet, nothing in life is really secure, the reality is that we are all balancing at the mercy of God’s hands. Nothing is secure except God.

    Anyways, I’m sorry you are having to go through this. Hang in there.Thanks so much for sharing.

  2. Betty says:

    Ps-I loved seeing the picture of your beautiful fireplace. It looks so charming and welcoming. I hope you find another place that feels like home.

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