I Just Feel… Sad

May 22, 2018

Nothing major is wrong. I just feel sad.

I don’t know what happened. It’s not an anniversary of anything and nothing happened today. I’m just sad.

I’m lonely. I have a lot of friends but I’m lonely. I still miss the ex of two years ago. I’m not sure if I miss him more or miss the role he played in my life, but there’s a hole.

I’m trying to be grateful, as I have a lot to be grateful for, but I’m sad. I can think of the “buts” for everything I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for my dog, but she’s 8 and dogs don’t live that long. I’m grateful for my new apartment but I don’t know how long I can afford it. Etc.

I’m just sad. And I have to be sad alone.

I Don’t Have “A Person”

May 15, 2018

A friend of mine was listening to a podcast recently that ended with self-care advice, something like, “Take your meds, call your person, go to bed.” I’m paraphrasing and probably getting it wrong, but the “your person” part has stuck with me.

You see, I don’t have “a person.” I have a lot of friends and am very very fortunate that way. But I don’t have one person and I miss that.

I have very very good friends, including the person who told me about this podcast signoff. But she has a boyfriend. And another has a husband. Etc. I’m in a lot of people’s close group, but I’m not the first for anyone.

I used to. I loved that about my ex; I could call him when something was exciting, wonderful, awful, sad, or funny. I could process life with him and I loved it.

I miss that. I’ve had some great successes with the book I wrote and I’m itching to call him. But we’ve been broken up for two years.

Today there was an earthquake. It was a small earthquake, just 3.8, and it was very short, but it was centered close to here and shook my house pretty hard. I was working with a student and I instinctively grabbed her by the arm, hard, and pushed her under the table. (teacher instincts) . She was surprised (and so was her mom) but I think they understood why.

My dog was no help. She slept through it, woke up when it was over and said WOOF, and went back to sleep.

The whole thing was so strange and frightening and funny that I found myself reaching for my phone to call him and process it. But of course I can’t.

Settled In

May 4, 2018

I moved! And I’m done.

It took two weeks solid, bringing over one carload at a time and then scrambling to find friends with trucks or SUVs because U-Haul cancelled my reservation. My body is sore because I did the vast majority of it myself. (But I think my arms are stronger!)

This is the first time I’ve lived by myself… ever. I lived with my family until I was 18 and then had roommates throughout college and grad school. Then I moved and started teaching and… well, in California you really can’t afford to live alone as a teacher.

Thankfully I make a little more than a teacher now and I can afford it, but barely.

For years I have been afraid of living alone. I was too depressed and loneliness or simply being alone really triggered that in me. But now… I think I’m going to love it!

It feels a little like a vacation. Part of it is that it’s still new. But also, it’s all mine. I mean, I’m still a renter and have all the concerns that come with that. Rent can be raised, landlords can sell houses, etc. And it’s not big – it’s a one-bedroom apartment. But it feels big and it feels like home. And I’m doing great being alone in it.