June 23, 2018

Even I am getting tired of my oh woe is me singleness feeling but it’s still there.

I’m on a vacation in Hawaii with my family – parents, brother, sister-in law, five-year-old nephew and three-year-old niece. The kids are amazing. So much fun – I’ve never spent this much time with them all together and I love it. I would do anything for them. I love them in that way that you can love kids so much that it hurts. Where you’ll just sit and watch them sleep and want to cry because someday something will hurt them and they’re so pure and innocent that you can’t bear it.

But damn it, I’m lonely. My brother and SIL have each other when my parents start getting annoying. My parents have each other of course. I love these kids, and all the people, but there’s no one to act as a buffer or to have quality time with or even who’s not here but just to check in with.

I went to Hawaii twice with my ex-boyfriend, and twice to other tropical places, and we traveled so well together. We had so much fun. It’s hard to not compare this. This is a totally different trip of course ,but I find myself wanting to call him and compare notes or tell him about something funny my nephew said.

IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS. I can’t call him. I shouldn’t want to reminisce with him. I feel pathetic. And lonely. and sad.

Shouldn’t these feelings be over by now? Shouldn’t I be able to just enjoy paradise and be enough, even alone?