July 21, 2018
This is the most I have walked in over two weeks, since I had foot surgery. I am bored. I am SO BORED.
For most of my life, bored has equaled depressed. I don’t know why exactly, maybe just because I have time to think or I’m not distracted, and then I’m left with depression? I’m not sure. I do know, however, that before I had the vocabulary to say “depression,” I would say that I was bored.
This must have confused the adults in my life because usually when kids say they’re bored, they just get a little whiny and annoying and need something to do. When I said I was bored, I usually meant that I didn’t want to live. That I had this deep sorrow and hopelessness that a child shouldn’t have.
This came back when I was teaching and I had summers off. I would get so excited – I had worked so hard all year and now I had the chance to relax and… depression would hit and hit hard. Every summer. And somehow it would surprise me every summer.
So now I’m sitting around at home, hardly able to go anywhere or do anything, to the point where my body is crying out for exercise or just MOVEMENT (which I can’t do), and I’m bored out of my mind, but… I’m not depressed.
I don’t know why. But I’m not depressed and I’ll take it.
July 10, 2018
I used to feel close to God. Not happy, necessarily. Not even like I wanted to live. But I used to feel like God was there with me. Sometimes I’d rage against God because nothing was changing. Nothing was getting better. I wasn’t OK. But I still felt like God was there with me.
I miss that. I don’t know how long it’s been that I’ve felt this way because it’s just kind of snuck up on me. But I feel now like God is a distant concept and not someone who is right here with me.
I’m not sure why it seems more comforting to have God nearby even if I’m angry or broken-hearted with God, but it does.
How do I get back to that? How do I get back to God as a companion and not just a thought?
There was one time, in college, that I had a really amazing experience. You know that feeling when you’re young and you really really like someone and your relationship is kind of developing and you are just so excited to see them and so happy that they enjoy spending time with you, and even talking about them or thinking about them makes you incredibly happy and secure that someone likes you and even loves you?
There was one time when I was getting into bed, and I felt that… about God. I had this overwhelming feeling that God was THERE, that God loved me, that God LIKED me, and that I wasn’t alone and I’d never be alone. It’s been over 20 years and I still remember it.
I miss that.
July 10, 2018
This is my view for the next couple of weeks. It was planned, I had bunion surgery which is painful and annoying but will, in the long run, stop the pain. It hurts but it’s more annoying than anything – I’m forced to be very sedentary and as for help. A lot of help.
This is obviously bringing up a lot of feelings. I’m irritable because it’s really hard to sleep. I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m single and don’t live with someone who can help me. I’m in pain. I’m bored.
But I’m also in awe of how much help I’ve gotten. I’ve had friends and acquaintances stop by and bring food, do laundry, take the dog out, and go grocery shopping for me. It’s wonderful. It’s so kind.
So, I don’t have what I want. I’m still lonely and bored and envious and spending way too much time alone.
But I have a lot that I don’t necessarily deserve. And it’s time to start being grateful for that.