Is Relaxing a Waste of Time?

November 25, 2018

Today it feels like it.

I’ve been working a lot, trying to finish up some projects before Thanksgiving. For the week of Thanksgiving, I went to visit friends in Mexico who run an orphanage. I haven’t had much down time at all in about a month.

Yesterday I went to lunch with a friend and went Christmas shopping for a couple of hours. I honestly don’t remember what else I did! Maybe watched TV? Read? I don’t really remember.

Today I did some errands and cleaned, took a long walk, taught a friend’s kid to knit, and mostly sat around.

I feel guilty! I feel like I’m wasting my time, somehow I’m wasting other people’s time (that doesn’t even make sense), I’m missing out on all sorts of opportunities, and I’m not earning money when I should be.

Then I remember that it’s Saturday night and I don’t have to earn money.

Then I feel “less than” because it’s Saturday night and I’m sitting at home alone. I’m not unhappy sitting at home alone, it just seems like not what I SHOULD be doing. I SHOULD be, I don’t know… out? Looking for a boyfriend/husband? At an exciting party?

Instead, I’ll probably take a hot bath and go to bed. Which I would enjoy quite a lot if I didn’t feel like I SHOULD be doing something else.

A Tiny Miracle

November 11, 2018

Quick, but before I forget to be grateful:

Most of my state appears to be on fire and the air quality is so bad that, even though I am 150 miles away from the closest fire, I am carrying around my HEPA air filter like it’s an oxygen tank. Every time I go outside, I get a headache so I’ve been cooped up inside like I haven’t since I had my foot surgery in July.

I had no plans today aside from a tutoring student, so I have basically interacted with no one aside from that one student and a neighbor who brought me a mask to where when I’m out.

It’s dark very early and really cold outside.

It’s a Saturday night with no plans.

All of those things are triggers for me. And they can be major major triggers.

And I’m OK. I’m not fantastic, but I’m OK. This is a tiny miracle, and I’ll take it.