Down Time

May 20, 2019

Does anyone else have a serious problem appreciating down time? Or an inability to relax?

I’m great at it on vacation. I can lie in the sun (or actually in the shade near the sun), read, knit, float in warm water, linger over meals, and relax to my heart’s content. But at home, it’s very different.

Because of the work I do (school-year focused) and the fact that I’m self-employed, I generally have a lot more down time in the summer. And let me tell you, I am really bad at enjoying down time. (Aside from sleeping. I’m great at sleeping, but one should only do that so much).

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Instead of thinking, “Oh, I have a few free hours before I have to work again! I could go for a walk or read a book or have some tea!” I go straight to, “I can’t believe I’m losing money by not working in those hours. I’m just wasting time.”

Why does down time equate to wasting time in my mind?

I live in a beautiful place. Some of things I could do when I don’t have clients include:

-eating out at many many delicious restaurants nearby (many of which are inexpensive)

-having an nice cup of tea

-hiking

-walking the dog

-knitting or reading on the beach

-doing yoga

-writing

And yet what I find myself doing is just sitting around wasting time on the computer or napping excessively or just bemoaning the fact that I’m not making money right now.

How are you with down time? Any ideas? Does it trigger anyone’s depression or anxiety?

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Depression PTSD

May 13, 2019

I’ve been doing really well lately but I keep thinking about how I used to feel.

And I used to feel really really bad.

I spent days crying. I would just cry and cry and cry and think I had to stop sometime but I wouldn’t. I would keep going with my life while I cried. I would shower and cry. Read and cry. Drive and cry. I just could not stop. My heart was breaking and I didn’t know why.

I wanted to die. I never had a plan, and I never attempted anything, but I would think of all the years I had left to live and feel hopeless. I didn’t want to live anymore.

I was so sad and hopeless that it was a black hole sucking me down and I never ever thought I’d get out. It’s funny to write about it now when I don’t feel that way – it’s hard to even remember how bad it was and the words seem kind of empty.

You know how you can’t remember physical pain clearly but you can still be traumatized by it? That’s how this is. And I cannot get those years back.