I’ve been doing really well lately but I keep thinking about how I used to feel.
And I used to feel really really bad.
I spent days crying. I would just cry and cry and cry and think I had to stop sometime but I wouldn’t. I would keep going with my life while I cried. I would shower and cry. Read and cry. Drive and cry. I just could not stop. My heart was breaking and I didn’t know why.
I wanted to die. I never had a plan, and I never attempted anything, but I would think of all the years I had left to live and feel hopeless. I didn’t want to live anymore.
I was so sad and hopeless that it was a black hole sucking me down and I never ever thought I’d get out. It’s funny to write about it now when I don’t feel that way – it’s hard to even remember how bad it was and the words seem kind of empty.
You know how you can’t remember physical pain clearly but you can still be traumatized by it? That’s how this is. And I cannot get those years back.