Depression as Time Waster

November 7, 2019

I’m still struggling this week. I’m not crying in bed wishing I wasn’t alive, so that’s something. But I’m feeling really flat, uninterested in things I usually enjoy, wanting to sleep all the time… you know. All those fun things.

If I had the energy to be angry, I would be furious that this disease is wasting so much of my time. For the last week, I’ve been sleeping far too much. I remember a time when I wanted to do things like go on hikes, read the books on my shelf, write, and more. But they don’t sound good at all now. Neither does yoga, going out to lunch, or, really, anything else. And that sucks.

I know that it’ll pass. I know that I’ll feel good again and I’ll want to do all these things. But *right now* I have the time and I just can’t. It’s like getting pneumonia during Christmas vacation. What a waste.

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Trying to Stay Ahead

November 6, 2019

I’ve got a little touch of depression now. I think there are a bunch of reasons: the time change, too much free time with a lull in work, not having enough social interaction, not seeing my nieces and nephew as often as I’d like, and who knows what else. It’s not unexpected — the time change alone always gets me — but it’s always extremely unwanted. And very discouraging.

I haven’t totally succumbed. I haven’t been crying all the time, and I’ve only been staying in bed a little more than I should, not all the time. Nobody has noticed anything. I haven’t had a full breakdown. I’m able to keep up an appearance, but I’m not feeling good.

When I was in college and I was really depressed, I would sit and write in my journal all the time. Frantically writing, like if I wrote fast enough, I could outrun, or outwrite, the feelings. I would write during movies and class, and anywhere I could. I don’t think it even mattered what I was writing, as long as I wrote quickly enough so that the feelings couldn’t catch up with me.

It’s not journaling anymore, although it is blogging sometimes, but I have other ways I’ve been trying to outrun the feelings. This week it’s been reading, sleeping, watching TV, baking cookies, and wishing for work. It’s not working. I’m not in crisis – and I don’t think I will be any time soon – but I’m really sad and I can’t seem to stop it.

It’s so frustrating when this happens just because of the stupid brain chemicals. Everything’s fine. I normally love living alone. I have enough money. I have friends, even if they’re busy, and I usually really like having time alone. When I’m working a lot, I want free time. But my brain is wrong. It hasn’t caught up with things being fine, even though things have been fine for a long time.

If something terrible happened, I have so many people who would be there for me, and I’m incredibly lucky. But nothing terrible has happened. And I can’t ask for help because I’m sad because of God-knows-what in the same way that I could ask for help if someone died or I had another major loss.

So now I’m going to go to sleep. I’m not that tired yet but I don’t know what else to do. One of these days, I’ll be back to feeling better, but today is not that day.

 


Too Much Free Time

November 2, 2019

I’ve been going kind of non-stop. I’m a freelancer and I’ve been doing lots and lots of work, tutoring plenty of kids, and just generally been busy.

Today it just came to a screeching stop. And I feel so lonely.

Nothing huge happened. I had one tutoring student cancel because of illness and I don’t have many on Fridays anyway. I’ve been doing a lot of copy editing for two clients in particular and one is taking a break to focus on her paid work and one is reviewing the last work I did and will give me more when he’s done. All my friends are busy, which seems to be the norm, especially because I’m the abnormal one, being single and no kids.

So I just have this free time. There was NOTHING on my calendar starting at 5 pm today and absolutely nothing tomorrow. Not. One. Thing.

Sometimes this sounds amazing. Sometimes I’m super tired and I just need a break. But I learn very quickly when that happens that I get lonely and bored and that leads really quickly to depression.

So tonight, I cleaned my apartment, but it was already pretty clean. I listed to some podcasts and am tired of podcasts. I read a book and am tired of reading. I watched some TV and movies and I’m tired of that.

And I can’t stop thinking that tomorrow, I have NOTHING to do. I think I’m going to take the dog hiking but if this depression keeps building and I just stay in bed all day… no one will stop me because I have not one commitment. So it could be wonderful and beautiful and rejuvenating but it could also be depressing and lonely and just go on forever.

It’s hard to believe that yesterday I was loving the fact that I live alone. I told a friend how much I loved it.

Today I just want to be partnered or have a friend over (I’ve tried) or have work to bury myself in. I just don’t want to be stuck here with myself.