April 16, 2017

If there is one thing that would change my life for the better, it would be having less fear. That is an understatement. It wouldn’t just change my life, it would revolutionize it.

I am not afraid of snakes, spiders, or bridges. I’m only a little afraid of heights and commitment. I am, however, terrified that I will not be taken care of.

I have believed in God for my entire life. But I don’t trust God. I don’t believe that God cares about me or will care for me. This is, of course, a bit of an exaggeration. I believe in my head that God cares about me, but it’s never made it to my heart.

I want that to change. I really do. I don’t want to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out what I’m going to do about housing a year from now or if I’m going to be alone when I die. I don’t want to go through every worst-case scenario and everything I’m afraid of and try to figure out what I’ll do in every possible case.

I want to actually¬†believe God. I want to trust God. I don’t understand, but I want to know that God cares for me, cares about me, and will take care of me. I don’t want to fear the future; I want to be excited for what God will bring me.

But how?

Tired of Grieving

April 7, 2017

I miss my ex so much. SO MUCH. And friends have tried to explain to me that I’m better off without someone who can’t handle being in a relationship (I think he left because being alone felt safer, but honestly, I got so little closure that I don’t really know). And that doesn’t help.

I had a really weird dream last night, or actually early this morning right before I woke up. I dreamed that I was snorkeling with cobras. And it was terrifying, so I woke up afraid, but then somehow it got me thinking about the good snorkeling experiences I’ve had…. all of the latest ones being with him. And we loved snorkeling together. We would hold hands while snorkeling and squeeze the other person’s hand when we saw a really good fish. Sometimes he would get really excited about a fish and sort of wave his hands around. We went to Hawaii twice and Puerto Rico once and each time had amazing snorkeling experiences. We usually snorkeled in the morning, and then we would take hot showers or go in the hot tub and talk about all the cool things we saw: the coral and the fish and the sea turtles.

I miss him so much. I’m not sure if it would be better if I had more closure or not, but I’ll never know.

It’s more than losing him as a person. It’s the rejection – him walking away and I don’t know why. It’s the loss of a dream – we did really well together and we loved traveling together. It’s not having someone in my life who knows me in the way he knew me; who I didn’t have to explain things to.

I miss him so much and I’m so tired of grieving. It goes away eventually, right?

The Healing Power of Sunshine

March 21, 2017

Last week, the time changed so that we got one more hour of sunshine, and at the same time, the sun came out and the temperatures warmed up. It was lovely. It was wonderful. It was… healing.

I don’t know if it was the increase in meds that I got, or the weather, but I’m grateful. Really, really grateful.

This has not always been the case. When I was severely depressed in college, I remember one day when it was a beautiful day – warm but not too hot, sunny but with pleasant shade, just perfect. And I wanted to die.

I kept thinking, wondering why I was so miserable on such a beautiful day. Why did I no longer want to be alive, when it was a picture-perfect day, and I couldn’t think of anything that was wrong… except that I wanted to die.

So, I know that the sunshine won’t always solve things for me. In fact, most of the time, it hasn’t. But this time, it did.

Emotional Neglect

March 1, 2017

This study really made me think. It talks about one of the reasons for depression being childhood emotional neglect. I resonated with so much of it Рmore thoughts later, but anyone else have similarities?


February 23, 2017

Just a short update, but I’m feeling better. I don’t know if this is because I’m on vacation, spending time with a friend, actually saw the sun today, or the new meds are kicking in, but I’m grateful.

It just feels so fleeting.

I’m Trying Everything

February 15, 2017

If you have ever suffered from depression, you know that well-meaning people have all sorts of suggestions for you. I’m here to tell you that I’ve tried ALL of them. I’ve taken hot baths, gone on walks in the sun, played with the dog, gone to yoga, eaten healthy, eaten sugar, slept more, slept less, watched TV, read books, not watched any TV, knitted, talked to friends, meditated, prayed, spent time with friends, written, upped my medication, gone to therapy… what am I missing?

I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling since April but it’s not getting better. I have done the steps I need to. I just went to the psychiatrist to get my meds adjusted (another post there soon) and am hoping that helps. Also the weather is improving (in California) and the longer days and more sunshine is helping somewhat. But only a little.

These symptoms are far, far, too familiar. I know what comes next. I know that pretty soon I will isolate completely. And then I will start seeing things in gray instead of color, first metaphorically and then literally. I know that I will start feeling sad about absolutely everything, including seeing my dog and working with kids; things that bring me joy. I’ll dream about cutting myself and I’ll want to end things but I also know it’s not a possibility which feels more like a prison sentence than hope.

I think I’ll eventually be OK because I always have been but sometimes eventually comes after years and I don’t want to do this for years again.

One of the things that feels the worst is that I look OK. If you lived with me, I wouldn’t. But I’m single and I look OK enough for people not to check in on me on this level, and I’m not OK. But so few people know it.

A Long Winter

February 11, 2017

I’m so tired.

I don’t live in a part of the country that is considered cold. It doesn’t snow, there is plenty of sun compared to many other areas, and it doesn’t usually get to freezing. But it’s doing me in.

I have been cold since October and I think it’s more than physically cold. My house has terrible insulation and that isn’t helping, and it’s been raining more than usual, but I feel like my soul is cold.

The grayness is getting to me also. It was sunny today but it was gray and rainy for the previous four days and I haven’t gotten out of that funk. I have three full-spectrum lights in my house and I’m suffering.

At least I know now that I could never live anywhere colder or grayer. I saw a new doctor and we increased my medicine. I look forward to going to bed every night and have trouble getting up. I’m hoping that changes as the days get longer.