Worry, Worry, Worry

July 24, 2017

I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this here, but fairly recently, a friend of mine, who is an atheist/agnostic, depending on the day, called me out on something. She said, “Listen. You believe in this God who takes care of you. You believe in a God who created you and loved you. That should make a difference in your life.” She went on to explain that this was something she (and a to of people) didn’t have. She doesn’t believe there’s any higher power or anything past humans, and she thinks that if I believe that, my life should reflect it. I should have more hope than people without this.

She explained it better, but you get the idea. If I believe in a loving God, who I can even TALK to, why doesn’t this make a difference?

I need it to make a difference. Either I believe this or I don’t. If I do, then I should, well, not give up worry entirely, because I’m human, but I should have a basic confidence that God is with me. Who can be against me? What can “man” do to me? I shouldn’t be afraid of housing prices or illness or anything else, but have a “peace that transcends all understanding.”

I know that a lot of people who read this are not necessarily people of faith, but many of you are. Do you have any ways to remember this, really deep down? As someone very very prone to anxiety and depression, this is essential for me to not go down.


Beauty and Loneliness

July 15, 2017

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It was an extraordinarily beautiful day today. I had little work to do (summer is my lowest time, which is stressful with money but good for mental health if I don’t worry about the money) and a friend called to see if I could have lunch. I had already eaten but asked if she wanted to go to the beach at the edge of town instead.

I forget about this beach. It’s slightly over a mile from my house and is the bay, not the ocean, perfect for kids, because there are no big waves. It’s not exciting: there are no snack shops, no souvenir places, no surfing, no snorkeling. But it is the beginning of the ocean, with sand and all the ocean smells.

I brought some camping chairs and we sat for over two hours, watching kids fly kites and play in the really cold water. I was absolutely covered in greasy sunscreen but it was perfect. The temperature was not too hot but warm enough and I felt so incredibly relaxed and content. I even kept saying, “This is just perfect,” sort of feeling like saying it aloud would keep the feeling.

The friend suggested we go for ice cream after which felt like a perfect little luxury at the end of this.

Then my brain kicked in, with all of its insecurities. I started worrying that I’d never have this experience again and that somehow I “wasted” it by not appreciating it more. I worried that I’d get depressed again when summer leaves because this weather is so wonderful that it’s going to be a huge loss. I worried that I’d never have friends to travel with again, that I’d be alone forever, that nobody would remember me, that tomorrow (I have no concrete plans) will be incredibly lonely, that my dog will die, and all of a sudden, I’m at the bottom again.

By this time I was home. In my ideal world, or what I think would be normal for a lot of people, I would have been glad for a beautiful day relaxing with a friend and savored that. Instead, I’m questioning if anyone would notice if I died or disappeared and convincing myself that I’ll be lonely forever and depressed and cold once summer ends.

I feel like I’ve thrown away the gift of a wonderful day. This is NOT how I want to be. I just don’t know how to change it.

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A Partial List of Reasons I’m Anxious

June 15, 2017

I thought I’d write it down so I had a better idea and maybe less “free-floating” anxiety, so, here is a partial list of reasons I’m anxious:

  1. I’m packing for vacation and might forget something
  2. The airline might lose my suitcase
  3. I had a blood vessel burst in my eye and it looks gross although it’s benign
  4. The doorknob on the bedroom that my new housemate will move into doesn’t work and the landlord isn’t answering me
  5. Something I sent priority mail got lost and the post office is not answering me
  6. My dog is 7 years old and won’t live forever
  7. What if my housing costs go up and I have to move out of the area?
  8. What if I have to move and can’t find a place that will take dogs?
  9. I have to figure out how to market the book I wrote
  10. I have to drive on the wrong side of the road in a couple of days
  11. I have to remember what I said I’d get people for souvenirs
  12. My nephew and nieces will grow up in a world that is not safe
  13. I might need to buy disability insurance because I’m self-employed
  14. I don’t know how to buy disability insurance
  15. Do I need long-term care insurance?
  16. I might not be able to sleep on the plane
  17. I’m spending money on therapy and it might not be helping me so I might be wasting my money
  18. I might get into a car accident one day
  19. I will miss my dog when I’m gone
  20. I might write another book
  21. I might never write another book
  22. I might have way too much work
  23. I might not have enough work

Clearly I could keep going and going. And this is not a particularly stressful time, this is just my head ALL THE TIME.

Anyone else end up like this? Any great coping mechanisms? Today I lay on my bed for about an hour holding my dog’s paw (she has this new thing where she loves holding hands) which helped. Temporarily.

The interesting thing is that I don’t think anyone who doesn’t know me well can tell! I hide it pretty well.


Being Productive

June 2, 2017

I finished a big deadline, and was working way too much, up until bedtime, every day including weekends. It was exhausting and not ideal but there was also a purpose to it. I felt like I was useful and doing something productive.

I met the deadline and am back to normal amounts of work and feel… like something is missing. I thought I’d feel relieved but I don’t. Instead, I feel less worthy somehow (does that even make sense?) Like working is a useful thing to do but I don’t deserve free relaxation time. In the back of my mind somewhere there’s a feeling about being single and childless… if I don’t have a partner or children to spend time with, I should be doing something else productive.

I don’t know how to explain this better. Something about me by myself is not worth enough so I need to be working? I don’t even understand it myself!


Medication Adjustments

April 24, 2017

I’ve written about this before and I find myself in the unenviable place of being there again. This last year (it’s actually been more than a year; I survived the anniversary!) since the breakup has been filled with sadness, grief, and depression. It got to be almost impossible to tell the difference and when months had passed and I was still finding it difficult or impossible to get out of bed in the morning, not able to think clearly, starting to think that the world was better off with out me… and all those other definite signs of clinical depression… I went back to the doctor.

I didn’t go to the doctor who kept saying she had no idea what to do. I actually advocated for myself – which is REALLY hard to do when you feel worthless and exhausted. But I did and I got a new doctor. He was thorough and knowledgeable and explained everything carefully to me.

I’ve been gradually increasing some and adding some and hoping it works, but medication adjustments are TOUGH. So right now is the anxious time, where my brain is going even faster than it already did, which was already too fast. And I worry about everything, find fear in things that aren’t there, and am generally miserable.

I’m giving it one more week then I’m going back to the doctor to tell him I can’t live like this. He was really up front and told me there would be this period, but I hate it. I just want to have a “normal” brain, one that doesn’t need medication to not want to die.

Seems like that isn’t that much to ask!


Fighting Against My Thoughts

April 10, 2014

I’m guessing I’m not the only one who has this issue.  I find myself constantly (actually, less constantly than before, so I suppose that’s progress?  Incrementally getting better?) fighting against the voices is my head, which is exhausting. I have to actually consciously think – almost talking back to them – and point out that I’m not stupid, I’m not worthless, my future is not hopeless, I’m not unlovable.  It’s gotten better and I start thinking that it’s gone; when all of a sudden I hear that voice start talking back to me.  It’s so much easier to just listen to it.  I still keep fighting it because I really do know that it’s better for me to not give in, but does it have to be so difficult?


More Anxiety

March 6, 2013

But this time I know why. I’ve been going out with a very nice man (about five dates now). It’s kind of a funny combination of being set up by a friend and by the internet, in that my housemate decided I should date this friend of hers (or rather, that she should introduce us and we could naturally see if anything developed) and then a couple weeks later, he showed up on my match.com profile, figured out I was his friend’s housemate, read my profile and told me all the things about it that he liked, etc.

This man is VERY nice. He pays for my dinners, he tells me how much he’s looking forward to seeing me, he is respectful, he holds doors open, he works around my odd hours and comes to where I am to have dinner. I think he shares my faith and he definitely shares my values. He’s also pretty introverted, which is hard for me because I am more comfortable with people who let you know what they are feeling at all times – those people often annoy me but I’m more comfortable with them.

Also, I take a long time to get to know people. A long time. Even in friendships. Most of my best friends were not people I liked when I first met them (sorry, guys — it’s me, not you). When I think about the dating relationships I’ve been in, I didn’t like the people right away. I wasn’t attracted to them right away. It took a long time. The difference — and I think what is stressing me out — is that those were friends who I saw naturally and so when I was getting to know them I wasn’t worrying about if I should date them. This time I am.

My housemate said something that actually helped. She pointed out that I can say no easily but I can’t say yes easily. It’s easy for me to write someone off – there’s many deal breakers for me. If there aren’t any, and someone seems like they might be a good fit, it’s a lot harder to say yes and takes me a lot longer.

I’m not sure why I’m expecting different things from myself – this is how I’ve always been! But I feel like something’s wrong with me for not having made up my mind. And dating causes me anxiety – a LOT of anxiety. Walking through the anxiety and all those therapy-ish things that people say is NOT COMFORTABLE. But I’m doing it. Hopefully that will be worth something because it is really hard.

Also, there may be something to think about in the fact that a really nice man causes me so much anxiety. Sometimes being a human is just hard.