April 24, 2017
I’ve written about this before and I find myself in the unenviable place of being there again. This last year (it’s actually been more than a year; I survived the anniversary!) since the breakup has been filled with sadness, grief, and depression. It got to be almost impossible to tell the difference and when months had passed and I was still finding it difficult or impossible to get out of bed in the morning, not able to think clearly, starting to think that the world was better off with out me… and all those other definite signs of clinical depression… I went back to the doctor.
I didn’t go to the doctor who kept saying she had no idea what to do. I actually advocated for myself – which is REALLY hard to do when you feel worthless and exhausted. But I did and I got a new doctor. He was thorough and knowledgeable and explained everything carefully to me.
I’ve been gradually increasing some and adding some and hoping it works, but medication adjustments are TOUGH. So right now is the anxious time, where my brain is going even faster than it already did, which was already too fast. And I worry about everything, find fear in things that aren’t there, and am generally miserable.
I’m giving it one more week then I’m going back to the doctor to tell him I can’t live like this. He was really up front and told me there would be this period, but I hate it. I just want to have a “normal” brain, one that doesn’t need medication to not want to die.
Seems like that isn’t that much to ask!
April 10, 2014
I’m guessing I’m not the only one who has this issue. I find myself constantly (actually, less constantly than before, so I suppose that’s progress? Incrementally getting better?) fighting against the voices is my head, which is exhausting. I have to actually consciously think – almost talking back to them – and point out that I’m not stupid, I’m not worthless, my future is not hopeless, I’m not unlovable. It’s gotten better and I start thinking that it’s gone; when all of a sudden I hear that voice start talking back to me. It’s so much easier to just listen to it. I still keep fighting it because I really do know that it’s better for me to not give in, but does it have to be so difficult?
March 6, 2013
But this time I know why. I’ve been going out with a very nice man (about five dates now). It’s kind of a funny combination of being set up by a friend and by the internet, in that my housemate decided I should date this friend of hers (or rather, that she should introduce us and we could naturally see if anything developed) and then a couple weeks later, he showed up on my match.com profile, figured out I was his friend’s housemate, read my profile and told me all the things about it that he liked, etc.
This man is VERY nice. He pays for my dinners, he tells me how much he’s looking forward to seeing me, he is respectful, he holds doors open, he works around my odd hours and comes to where I am to have dinner. I think he shares my faith and he definitely shares my values. He’s also pretty introverted, which is hard for me because I am more comfortable with people who let you know what they are feeling at all times – those people often annoy me but I’m more comfortable with them.
Also, I take a long time to get to know people. A long time. Even in friendships. Most of my best friends were not people I liked when I first met them (sorry, guys — it’s me, not you). When I think about the dating relationships I’ve been in, I didn’t like the people right away. I wasn’t attracted to them right away. It took a long time. The difference — and I think what is stressing me out — is that those were friends who I saw naturally and so when I was getting to know them I wasn’t worrying about if I should date them. This time I am.
My housemate said something that actually helped. She pointed out that I can say no easily but I can’t say yes easily. It’s easy for me to write someone off – there’s many deal breakers for me. If there aren’t any, and someone seems like they might be a good fit, it’s a lot harder to say yes and takes me a lot longer.
I’m not sure why I’m expecting different things from myself – this is how I’ve always been! But I feel like something’s wrong with me for not having made up my mind. And dating causes me anxiety – a LOT of anxiety. Walking through the anxiety and all those therapy-ish things that people say is NOT COMFORTABLE. But I’m doing it. Hopefully that will be worth something because it is really hard.
Also, there may be something to think about in the fact that a really nice man causes me so much anxiety. Sometimes being a human is just hard.
January 28, 2013
that depression and anxiety were as un-stigma’d as having a cold or the flu. That I could post on Facebook “Anxiety really acting up today” and people would offer to go to the store for me or bring me soup instead of thinking I was crazy. Or I could say “Depression is really hard this week,” and people would say, “Yeah, I had that once and it kept me in bed for days.” Instead of thinking I was crazy and needed to be on suicide watch. Then I could feel more normal.
Anxiety bad today.
January 22, 2013
I’ve been reading 1 Peter 5:7 a lot lately, in various translations.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
Throw all your anxiety onto him, because he cares about you.
God cares for you, so turn all your worries over to him.
Leave all your worries with him, because he cares for you.
Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.
Cast all your anxieties on him, for he cares about you.
I’ve been having some sort of PTSD effects from the dog situation. I’ve never been scared of dogs in my life and I’m finding myself skittish around dogs when they interact. My neighbor who was involved mentioned that her dogs are having a lot of trouble with other dogs since the incident, and I feel terrible – but what else could I have done? I put my dog down, can’t do more than that. Also I miss her and feel guilty. Not as guilty as I thought I’d feel, which is a blessing, but guilty.
I’m worried about money, and finding a new dog who is right for me (which is seeming like an impossible task now), and being single forever, and about a million other things. And I’m trying to remember in all this that God cares for me. That’s pretty big. The creator of the world cares for me. I don’t know why I believe that sometimes; it seems ridiculous, but I do believe it.