May 16, 2017
I’m exhausted. I’m changing my anti-depressants again. I went off of one that was making me feel crazy, like actually crazy. I have an appointment on Wednesday with the doctor. Not sure how long the withdrawal from the one I went off takes – it wasn’t that high a dose so maybe I’m imagining things but I feel exhausted and am really craving sugar.
And you know what? Right now I’m eating the sugar. That’s not a fight I’m willing to have with myself right now. The sugar is comforting, and I’m eating it. I’m not harming myself in any drastic ways, I’m not self-medicating with alcohol or drugs… I’m going to eat the damn cake. For now.
And I’m trying to focus on what I HAVE gotten done today. Yes, I took a 2-hour nap in the middle of the day even though I slept enough. Yes, I dropped my bike and scratched up the new bike that I love. I left things places that I’ll have to go pick up tomorrow because I’m so tired that I am getting really absent-minded. And yes, I’m going to bed at 9 pm.
But also: I tutored four kids today and I think they learned something. I edited three articles and answered a ton of emails and went grocery shopping and rode my bike. That all counts. And I prayed. And I ate. And I took my medicine.
So I’m going to try very hard to convince myself that today is a win.
April 24, 2017
I’ve written about this before and I find myself in the unenviable place of being there again. This last year (it’s actually been more than a year; I survived the anniversary!) since the breakup has been filled with sadness, grief, and depression. It got to be almost impossible to tell the difference and when months had passed and I was still finding it difficult or impossible to get out of bed in the morning, not able to think clearly, starting to think that the world was better off with out me… and all those other definite signs of clinical depression… I went back to the doctor.
I didn’t go to the doctor who kept saying she had no idea what to do. I actually advocated for myself – which is REALLY hard to do when you feel worthless and exhausted. But I did and I got a new doctor. He was thorough and knowledgeable and explained everything carefully to me.
I’ve been gradually increasing some and adding some and hoping it works, but medication adjustments are TOUGH. So right now is the anxious time, where my brain is going even faster than it already did, which was already too fast. And I worry about everything, find fear in things that aren’t there, and am generally miserable.
I’m giving it one more week then I’m going back to the doctor to tell him I can’t live like this. He was really up front and told me there would be this period, but I hate it. I just want to have a “normal” brain, one that doesn’t need medication to not want to die.
Seems like that isn’t that much to ask!