May 7, 2017
Today is one of those. Depression and sleep deprivation from changing my medications and not being used to them and not knowing if it’s the right combination. And grief. Still with the grief from the loss of my relationship, now over a year ago.
There were so many things I wanted to do today. I just can’t. I’m going to bed. But I did survive.
May 4, 2017
The letter I can’t actually send:
It’s been over a year and I still don’t understand. In fact, not only do I not understand, but nobody I know does. My friends are still confused. “But he loved you.” “But he was the one who wanted to date you, before you were interested.” “But you were so good together.” In fact, even the few of YOUR friends I’ve talked to don’t understand. You might be the only one who does, but I’m not sure you know either.
What was actually wrong? You never did say. “I need more freedom” when I was giving you freedom but you rarely went to see your old friends you talked about missing didn’t make sense. The weekend you broke up with me, our counselor said she was amazed at our progress and was so happy with where we were. Was it all an act for her?
You said it wasn’t fear. Then what was it? The same counselor — the one who you said you trusted implicitly — she said if you left it would be because you were afraid. She said that it was going to me more frightening for you to stay but it would be better for you because you can only do growing about relationship in a relationship. She urged you to work through the fear because (although she didn’t like to tell people what to do in a relationship), she thought we were better together.
You were the one who pursued me. I was unsure and you stuck with it and were patient with me. You fell in love with me first and you waited until I loved you back. You were the one who started talking about a future and travel and these things that terrified me, but I came around and I learned to love you deeply. What was all that for? Why did I go through this process.
I haven’t seen you in over a year and I still miss you so much that it hurts. Our vacation photos look like paradise. I remember your conversations with my family and how excited they were that you were a quality person who loved me.
I just wish I understood.