September 19, 2017
Something has shifted lately. I don’t know if it’s meds, therapy, prayer, or what, but I’ve been feeling… content. Maybe even joyful sometimes. And much less sorry for myself.
I went to a family event over the weekend. When I spend time with my family, I go way into self-pity mode. I’m the only adult there who’s not married, who doesn’t own a home, who doesn’t have children. Mostly, I’m just the only one alone.
But something about this time was different. I got to spend time with my nephew and nieces who I love very very much. My youngest niece just warmed up to me (she’s two and VERY picky about who she spends time with) so I got to read her books and have her sit on my lap and play games with her. My nephew and I have always had a really strong bond and even though he managed to spill a whole jar of syrup all over my lap, we still had fun.
Things feel good. The tough part is that depression waits. You don’t get cured, you get reprieves. One of the triggers that has been most consistent for me is the season change from summer to fall. So here we are on September 18, and I feel like it’s tapping me on the shoulder. I don’t want it, I don’t want anything to do with it, but there’s a reminder.
August 23, 2017
I’m so tired of worrying. But I don’t know how to stop. The Bible has a million verses about not worrying, but they’re all verses that tell you not to worry. None of them tell you HOW.
I’m worried that my landlord will sell my house and I’ll have to leave. (He hasn’t said he was considering it but he sold one of his three properties last year)
I’m worried that my dog will die soon. (She’s seven and in good health)
I’m worried that I won’t have enough money to keep living in my area. (While not a ton, I’m making more money than I ever have)
I’m worried that I’ll never find a partner. I’m worried about car accidents. I’m worried about health problems. I’m worried, I’m worried, I’m worried.
It’s exhausting. And I don’t want it. I just don’t know how to end this cycle.
July 24, 2017
I can’t remember if I’ve mentioned this here, but fairly recently, a friend of mine, who is an atheist/agnostic, depending on the day, called me out on something. She said, “Listen. You believe in this God who takes care of you. You believe in a God who created you and loved you. That should make a difference in your life.” She went on to explain that this was something she (and a to of people) didn’t have. She doesn’t believe there’s any higher power or anything past humans, and she thinks that if I believe that, my life should reflect it. I should have more hope than people without this.
She explained it better, but you get the idea. If I believe in a loving God, who I can even TALK to, why doesn’t this make a difference?
I need it to make a difference. Either I believe this or I don’t. If I do, then I should, well, not give up worry entirely, because I’m human, but I should have a basic confidence that God is with me. Who can be against me? What can “man” do to me? I shouldn’t be afraid of housing prices or illness or anything else, but have a “peace that transcends all understanding.”
I know that a lot of people who read this are not necessarily people of faith, but many of you are. Do you have any ways to remember this, really deep down? As someone very very prone to anxiety and depression, this is essential for me to not go down.
May 7, 2017
Today is one of those. Depression and sleep deprivation from changing my medications and not being used to them and not knowing if it’s the right combination. And grief. Still with the grief from the loss of my relationship, now over a year ago.
There were so many things I wanted to do today. I just can’t. I’m going to bed. But I did survive.
May 4, 2017
The letter I can’t actually send:
It’s been over a year and I still don’t understand. In fact, not only do I not understand, but nobody I know does. My friends are still confused. “But he loved you.” “But he was the one who wanted to date you, before you were interested.” “But you were so good together.” In fact, even the few of YOUR friends I’ve talked to don’t understand. You might be the only one who does, but I’m not sure you know either.
What was actually wrong? You never did say. “I need more freedom” when I was giving you freedom but you rarely went to see your old friends you talked about missing didn’t make sense. The weekend you broke up with me, our counselor said she was amazed at our progress and was so happy with where we were. Was it all an act for her?
You said it wasn’t fear. Then what was it? The same counselor — the one who you said you trusted implicitly — she said if you left it would be because you were afraid. She said that it was going to me more frightening for you to stay but it would be better for you because you can only do growing about relationship in a relationship. She urged you to work through the fear because (although she didn’t like to tell people what to do in a relationship), she thought we were better together.
You were the one who pursued me. I was unsure and you stuck with it and were patient with me. You fell in love with me first and you waited until I loved you back. You were the one who started talking about a future and travel and these things that terrified me, but I came around and I learned to love you deeply. What was all that for? Why did I go through this process.
I haven’t seen you in over a year and I still miss you so much that it hurts. Our vacation photos look like paradise. I remember your conversations with my family and how excited they were that you were a quality person who loved me.
I just wish I understood.
April 6, 2012
Like I said, things seem to have been moving really quickly. I’m thrilled to have so much work at the moment, and I’m enjoying what I’m doing but I’m also lonely. I have a lot of good friends, which is a tremendous blessing, but I really miss having someone to share all of my joys and concerns and goals and irritations and everything. It’s been several years, but I’m finding myself really missing my ex-boyfriend for some reason. He had a lot (a LOT) of unaddressed problems but we had a lot of fun together and I could relax and be myself in a way I can’t very often. He really knew me too and I miss that.
Part of the discouragement comes from the fact that it’s something I’d be willing to wait for but I don’t know if I’ll have that again. It gets less likely as I get older and it’s hard to wait for something that you have no guarantee of ever happening.