I Used to Feel Close to God

July 10, 2018

I used to feel close to God. Not happy, necessarily. Not even like I wanted to live. But I used to feel like God was there with me. Sometimes I’d rage against God because nothing was changing. Nothing was getting better. I wasn’t OK. But I still felt like God was there with me.

I miss that. I don’t know how long it’s been that I’ve felt this way because it’s just kind of snuck up on me. But I feel now like God is a distant concept and not someone who is right here with me.

I’m not sure why it seems more comforting to have God nearby even if I’m angry or broken-hearted with God, but it does.

How do I get back to that? How do I get back to God as a companion and not just a thought?

There was one time, in college, that I had a really amazing experience. You know that feeling when you’re young and you really really like someone and your relationship is kind of developing and you are just so excited to see them and so happy that they enjoy spending time with you, and even talking about them or thinking about them makes you incredibly happy and secure that someone likes you and even loves you?

There was one time when I was getting into bed, and I felt that… about God. I had this overwhelming feeling that God was THERE, that God loved me, that God LIKED me, and that I wasn’t alone and I’d never be alone. It’s been over 20 years and I still remember it.

I miss that.

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Community

July 10, 2018

This is my view for the next couple of weeks. It was planned, I had bunion surgery which is painful and annoying but will, in the long run, stop the pain. It hurts but it’s more annoying than anything – I’m forced to be very sedentary and as for help. A lot of help.

This is obviously bringing up a lot of feelings. I’m irritable because it’s really hard to sleep. I’m feeling sorry for myself because I’m single and don’t live with someone who can help me. I’m in pain. I’m bored.

But I’m also in awe of how much help I’ve gotten. I’ve had friends and acquaintances  stop by and bring food, do laundry, take the dog out, and go grocery shopping for me. It’s wonderful. It’s so kind.

So, I don’t have what I want. I’m still lonely and bored and envious and spending way too much time alone.

But I have a lot that I don’t necessarily deserve. And it’s time to start being grateful for that.


Vacation

June 23, 2018

Even I am getting tired of my oh woe is me singleness feeling but it’s still there.

I’m on a vacation in Hawaii with my family – parents, brother, sister-in law, five-year-old nephew and three-year-old niece. The kids are amazing. So much fun – I’ve never spent this much time with them all together and I love it. I would do anything for them. I love them in that way that you can love kids so much that it hurts. Where you’ll just sit and watch them sleep and want to cry because someday something will hurt them and they’re so pure and innocent that you can’t bear it.

But damn it, I’m lonely. My brother and SIL have each other when my parents start getting annoying. My parents have each other of course. I love these kids, and all the people, but there’s no one to act as a buffer or to have quality time with or even who’s not here but just to check in with.

I went to Hawaii twice with my ex-boyfriend, and twice to other tropical places, and we traveled so well together. We had so much fun. It’s hard to not compare this. This is a totally different trip of course ,but I find myself wanting to call him and compare notes or tell him about something funny my nephew said.

IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS. I can’t call him. I shouldn’t want to reminisce with him. I feel pathetic. And lonely. and sad.

Shouldn’t these feelings be over by now? Shouldn’t I be able to just enjoy paradise and be enough, even alone?

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I Just Feel… Sad

May 22, 2018

Nothing major is wrong. I just feel sad.

I don’t know what happened. It’s not an anniversary of anything and nothing happened today. I’m just sad.

I’m lonely. I have a lot of friends but I’m lonely. I still miss the ex of two years ago. I’m not sure if I miss him more or miss the role he played in my life, but there’s a hole.

I’m trying to be grateful, as I have a lot to be grateful for, but I’m sad. I can think of the “buts” for everything I’m grateful for. I’m grateful for my dog, but she’s 8 and dogs don’t live that long. I’m grateful for my new apartment but I don’t know how long I can afford it. Etc.

I’m just sad. And I have to be sad alone.


I Don’t Have “A Person”

May 15, 2018

A friend of mine was listening to a podcast recently that ended with self-care advice, something like, “Take your meds, call your person, go to bed.” I’m paraphrasing and probably getting it wrong, but the “your person” part has stuck with me.

You see, I don’t have “a person.” I have a lot of friends and am very very fortunate that way. But I don’t have one person and I miss that.

I have very very good friends, including the person who told me about this podcast signoff. But she has a boyfriend. And another has a husband. Etc. I’m in a lot of people’s close group, but I’m not the first for anyone.

I used to. I loved that about my ex; I could call him when something was exciting, wonderful, awful, sad, or funny. I could process life with him and I loved it.

I miss that. I’ve had some great successes with the book I wrote and I’m itching to call him. But we’ve been broken up for two years.

Today there was an earthquake. It was a small earthquake, just 3.8, and it was very short, but it was centered close to here and shook my house pretty hard. I was working with a student and I instinctively grabbed her by the arm, hard, and pushed her under the table. (teacher instincts) . She was surprised (and so was her mom) but I think they understood why.

My dog was no help. She slept through it, woke up when it was over and said WOOF, and went back to sleep.

The whole thing was so strange and frightening and funny that I found myself reaching for my phone to call him and process it. But of course I can’t.


Settled In

May 4, 2018

I moved! And I’m done.

It took two weeks solid, bringing over one carload at a time and then scrambling to find friends with trucks or SUVs because U-Haul cancelled my reservation. My body is sore because I did the vast majority of it myself. (But I think my arms are stronger!)

This is the first time I’ve lived by myself… ever. I lived with my family until I was 18 and then had roommates throughout college and grad school. Then I moved and started teaching and… well, in California you really can’t afford to live alone as a teacher.

Thankfully I make a little more than a teacher now and I can afford it, but barely.

For years I have been afraid of living alone. I was too depressed and loneliness or simply being alone really triggered that in me. But now… I think I’m going to love it!

It feels a little like a vacation. Part of it is that it’s still new. But also, it’s all mine. I mean, I’m still a renter and have all the concerns that come with that. Rent can be raised, landlords can sell houses, etc. And it’s not big – it’s a one-bedroom apartment. But it feels big and it feels like home. And I’m doing great being alone in it.

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Living in Limbo

April 11, 2018

I know moving isn’t a huge event – everyone does it. But I hate it. I haven’t moved in 15 years so I’ve forgotten how to do it! That sounds funny but I really have. And I have way too much stuff because I haven’t moved in 15 years.

Funny how I keep giving stuff away, over and over and over, and it doesn’t look like anything has left the apartment. It’s still totally full.

I’m excited about a new start but I am not at all excited about actually moving the stuff. I am feeling sorry for myself for having to move it without a partner, all alone. I have friends who will help! But they’ll help around other stuff they can do. It just sucks to not be first priority to anyone. That is always the hardest thing for me about being single.

So, I’m kind of living in chaos right now, not feeling like I have a home here anymore or that I have a home there yet. It’s not a major problem, but it’s not my favorite.