I used to feel close to God. Not happy, necessarily. Not even like I wanted to live. But I used to feel like God was there with me. Sometimes I’d rage against God because nothing was changing. Nothing was getting better. I wasn’t OK. But I still felt like God was there with me.
I miss that. I don’t know how long it’s been that I’ve felt this way because it’s just kind of snuck up on me. But I feel now like God is a distant concept and not someone who is right here with me.
I’m not sure why it seems more comforting to have God nearby even if I’m angry or broken-hearted with God, but it does.
How do I get back to that? How do I get back to God as a companion and not just a thought?
There was one time, in college, that I had a really amazing experience. You know that feeling when you’re young and you really really like someone and your relationship is kind of developing and you are just so excited to see them and so happy that they enjoy spending time with you, and even talking about them or thinking about them makes you incredibly happy and secure that someone likes you and even loves you?
There was one time when I was getting into bed, and I felt that… about God. I had this overwhelming feeling that God was THERE, that God loved me, that God LIKED me, and that I wasn’t alone and I’d never be alone. It’s been over 20 years and I still remember it.
I miss that.